Christmas hug 

Did I get my Christmas hug, you might ask? Yes I did, but not the way I wanted. It has to be on his terms.

Here is how I wanted it to go:  We are saying goodbye. I won’t see him for a week. It will be after Christmas before I see him again. So I say good bye and merry Christmas and then I ask, “is a Christmas hug against the rules?” And he says no, it isn’t and moves closer and embraces me in his arms.  I melt in his large chest and forget to breath. It’s only for a moment but I forget everything for that moment. Then we let go and I say oh my goodness and he looks in my eyes and I say maybe it should be and he laughs. 

Here is how it actually went:

We are saying goodbye. I won’t see him for a week. It will be after Christmas before I see him again. He steps out of the kitchen in the office and I say  I’m off and merry Christmas and then I ask, “is a Christmas hug against the rules?” And he says “yes”.  I’m sure I looked disappointed but said “okay then have a nice Christmas see you sometime” and walk away to gather my things and leave. He follows me, stands next to me and before I know it he grabs me with one giant arm and pulls me in for a hug into his chest like I’m a football. I hug him back. He feels warm and soft and safe. I want to stay there. I say thank you, it’s been a tough year. He says something, I don’t know what so I say “what” and he says “what” and I say “what?”back. So know we are standing there looking at each other saying “what” to each other. That really happened. Ugh! Then he asks about what is going on over the next few days and drags the conversation on for a while over nothing  we haven’t said before so we can look at each other a little longer but not have to say anything real. Then I say merry Christmas and travel safe and we say see you in a later or something I don’t know what. I’m so upset he said a hug was against the rules that I almost forget he hugged me anyways. 

It’s such a struggle. I think he feels he has to manage the situation completely on his own. He’s the supervisor. It’s his responsibility. I get that but it’s more than that. He acts like I can’t be trusted. Or maybe he thinks he can’t be trusted if we get too close, I don’t know, but his first response was no hugs. Then he regretted it and hugged me anyways. Looking back now, I think I will treasure that stupid football hug forever. He could have easily left it at no hugs allowed. But he didn’t. 

Holidays are here

I think about this time last year and how far we have come. How far I have come. Last year I was lost as to how our relationship would go. We were still recovering from our Alaska event and not sure how to feel. I was terrified we had ruined everything and he was still pushing back. Last year I had decided to get a divorce but my family didn’t know. 

Now I am living on my own and happy. I am closer to him than ever before.  We are comfortable together. He tells me things and I tell him things that we don’t tell others. We know each other’s flaws and laugh about them, or cry. Either way, it’s okay.  I feel he loves me and it feels deeper than any love I have experienced before. Wether we end up together or not, he loves me. And I love him.  

Today he gave me personal advice about how I need to move on, to let go, to rid myself of personal bias based on the past. Then he said I see it in you because it is something  I do myself. It was a very kind and thoughtful conversation. I don’t know how to explain how beautiful it was that we can talk about things like that. He makes things right for me, even when he is telling me I’m doing something wrong. Sigh. 

So in getting through this year’s holidays, I would like to get a Christmas hug before we part for Christmas.  How do accomplish this? Just ask if it’s okay? Do I have the nerve to do that? And if I get a hug will I melt in his gigantic manly arms or panic? Gosh I really don’t know. I’ll keep you posted…