1. You don’t. Your terrified. You resent the control he has over you and you which he wasn’t there.
2. He makes you laugh and seems genuine. What color are his eyes? You don’t know because you have been afraid to look.
3. You both have a lot of questions and are in each other’s office, a lot. He is new so it seems reasonable but did he really need to ask you that or did he just want to visit? His eyes are blue.
4. Stop thinking about him. I’m mean it. Stop. Okay stop now. Can’t stop thinking about him.
5. This will pass. It’s because he is new. Give it time and the day will come when you wonder what the hell you were thinking.
6. It’s not going away so what exactly is the attraction? You make a list of likes and don’t likes and the like list is huge.
7. Jealously kicks in. What is he doing over the weekend? Who is that calling him or texting him. You start to imagine the worst and it makes you cry.
8. Acceptance that this is love. Years have gone by and it’s not going away, in fact it’s stronger. That list of likes doesn’t shrink, it grows, and the dislikes get smaller.
9. Acceptance that there is nothing you can do about it that doesn’t turn into you losing your job. This equals sadness.
10. ? I don’t know. I am stuck at 9.
I’m at the gym running on the treadmill. I am training for a triathlon so I have to run for 36 minutes. I have my tunes on high and I am lost in my music and thoughts. A sad song comes on and I think of him without me. With someone else. This makes me so sad I start to loose my breath. It’s emotional asthma. I stop it from happening by changing my thoughts or I would have to stop running to catch my breath. I calm down and a happier song comes on. I rock out the rest of the run. When I am done I turn around and he is on the machine right behind me. How long was he there? Did I almost come unglued right in front of him? I get so horribly sad at just the thought of us not ending up together and I am ridiculously jealous over the smallest things. I think I know why.
At this point we are so close. We are like a married couple who don’t live together. We cohabitate at work. We share a kitchen, we share our thoughts feelings, talk about our kids our Families . We don’t manage a household but we do manage an office and a complex program together instead, just the two of us, we are a team. When two people this attracted to each other get this close, the relationship progresses into something more. They become intimate. They make a commitment to each other. We have the closeness, the togetherness, the progression, without the intimacy or commitment. This kind of closeness is so risky without that commitment. It feels like my husband could walk out on me at any moment. He could show up with another wife and I would have to smile and introduce myself. It would be horrible. That’s why I panic and think the worst and have emotional asthma. I am preparing myself for what really could happen. I have nothing from him that says it won’t.