I am starting to wonder at my obsession. He does not answer texts like he should. He does not respond to emails like he should. I don’t think its just me, he is not real responsive to others. But then again, he sure was responsive to her for a while. Do I want to live his life? That is what I think it would be like. I can’t see him retiring in Maine. He would want to move to Washington and live near his best friend. Is that what I want? To live the way he wants to or the way I want? Is there a middle ground and if there is, would he be willing to go there? I’m not so sure. I do love him but honestly, he is difficult. I would be good for him, but would he be good for me?
Does he worry I am pulling away since he said no? Because I am. I have tried to keep a safe physical distance from him ever since. That look he gave me in Panama haunts me. It was a sad ‘I wish things were different’ kind of look. I looked away. I can’t handle it. I don’t want him to see how I feel. He got in the infinity pool with me until we were both freezing. That is not something he should do if he really meant “no”. But no means no and that is all I have from him so that is what I have to plan for. Moving on alone at some point. Perhaps the sooner the better.