Missing him…

He is still away but is texting and calling. Mostly work-based but then to see if the socks he found are mine. He tells me how he wished we had spent more time at a location he saw today on his dive, meaning he’s sorry I’m not there to see it with him. He texts me thank you for taking care of him today because of what I ordered with year end funds. I say I am getting better at taking care of him over time. Tonight I am going over his sons cover letters and resumes for a job application. We are emailing then he texted me a thank you and said I really helped. I am excited for his son and him. I am sure he is proud of what his son is going to be doing. His ex wife or one of his ‘girfriends’ are not the one he turns to, its me.

I am going to Belize, no resistance from him, and I asked him to come for the second week. He is going to join us, at least he is planning on it.

Perhaps he is really seeing the light finally. He knows I am capable of leaving and he would be lost without me. Maybe he realizes it. Maybe he knows. Breathing the same air at depth, when he would have been out, when he would have had to bolt to the surface, that meant something.

But what good does that do us really? He wont say anything and I have to assume what he has said is true. That he doesn’t think of me beyond work. That things wouldn’t be different if he wasn’t my boss. That the last time we were in Belize he was thinking  of ‘her’, a married woman. That he had his other ‘friend’ over for dinner on a Saturday night. That he went to two concerts this summer with someone else, who? And I saw a text from the married ‘friend’ show up on his phone while we were traveling so that is still going on at some level. I have to remember this and keep trying to move on.

He loaned me a book on transitions while we were away. He seems to read a lot of self help books. Its a good book. I am in transition. Something has ended and I don’t know what will begin. That is what I’m seeking. A beginning. Will it be him? Should it be him?

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Meeting Four

I am back from the meeting.  He is still there because he had an opportunity to log more cold water dives. At the meeting we stayed in a hotel on the far side of town. He had a car rental so we drove back and forth together. We would see people and go our separate social ways then reconnect as needed. It was all very natural. But the dives…

Dive one, he had a free flow at 80 feet and 43 degrees. I was instantly by his side and gave him my regulator. I was on my alternate air and we were both breathing off my tank. I had my gauge in between us so we could both see how much air we had on the ascent. Our bodies were close. He was dependent on me and I was there for him. I know he realizes how significant that was.  I gave him my air without a moments thought.  I was there when he needed me.

Dive two we went alone, just the two of us, on a wreck. I have fixed his regulator but we stayed close in case he had more trouble. Everything went fine.

The next day we were on a boat. There were five of us and the lead was paring people into dive teams. He said the two of us should buddy “because it just seems natural.”  This is someone who doesn’t know us at all!  The dives weren’t bump free but we did fine.

During the week we had a free night and just the two of us had dinner at a small little Italian restaurant. It would have been very romantic if it could have been. Okay, it was a little romantic. The last night of the symposium everyone was going out for drinks after the dinner. We got in the car and I expected us to go to the bar but he drove us back to the hotel. His ankle was hurting so I assume that was why we didn’t join the others, but we never talked about it. It was just the natural thing to do.

The next day we had free so we went on an adventure. We had one other person with us who  totally gets us so it was relaxed and fun. Over dinner the waiter brought one check for all three of us. We asked for separate checks so he brought one check for the other guy and one check for me and my boss. We were like, no we need separate checks too and the waiter apologized for making assumptions.  That happens all the time.

The symposium was fun. He was in my room 3 times during the week, but who’s counting?

1. I can’t remember why? His room was across the hall and it was dark but he didn’t change it, mostly I think because he wouldn’t be so close to me.

2. To help me with my presentation. He sat in my room for hours going over my talk. Me on my bed and him in a chair.

3. To look over the rocks we collected at the quarry that day.  It was the last night. We were in my bathroom together, side by side, arms touching on occasion, as we looked over the fossils. He has one fossil he found that he insists is a clam but it totally is just a rock. LOL! I don’t want to burst his bubble so I let him believe it. We finally say goodnight. Its 10:00 on Sunday night and I won’t see him until Friday. He counts out the days to when we will see each other…Tuesday you are doing this…Thursday I fly back…Ii will see you Friday, etc… He is tall, handsome, and looking into my eyes as he stands in the dark doorway of my room. I am melting. I say ‘be safe’ as I lean against the door frame of the bathroom and we say goodbye. It was almost as if he wanted another ‘Alaska’ but I am not going there. No means No and if he wants something different, he will have to be able to talk about it. The next day there was a change in plans and he gives me a ride to the airport, even though I didn’t need one. I had a shuttle.

Now he’s on his own and before we parted I said I hope all goes well. He commented on how he won’t have his buddy with him, aka me. 🙂  He’s only been on his own for one day now and we have already talked twice, sigh.

I can’t believe this has been going on for this long. This was the fourth one of these annual meetings we have attended together.  Next year is Lake Tahoe. Gulp.

 

Crash

Monday I get his weekend update. His friend from Hawaii was in town. He had her over to his  house Saturday evening. He  made her pizza. I sit there and listen, trying not so show my heart breaking. She was married and divorced twice. One marriage lasted 16 days. I ask how is that possible, he says it fell apart at the honeymoon. I say she must have been young, he says no. I stay out of his office for the rest of the day and he is in mine of course.  I can’t see him loving someone who never had kids and had such failures in her relationships. I am making excuses. He had her over on a Saturday night, just the two of them.  We walk out together at the end of the day but I don’t look at him when we say goodbye.

The next morning I get in early and his coffee is already on his desk when he comes in so I don’t have to sit and talk with him. The moments I loved yesterday become today’s dread. I am in my office all day and he comes in often. It is Tuesday and I will be on vacation for a week starting tomorrow. At the end of the day he is on the phone with a  friend. I get ready to leave and he is still talking. I panic at the thought of saying goodbye. I think of him with her last Saturday night. I bolt out of the office while he is still on the phone without a goodbye.

He is texting me by the time I get home, telling me about the friend he was talking to. Asking why I left. I said I needed to get out of there. He said wow, he was sorry to hear that. I said don’t take it personally. We texted some more then I didn’t respond anymore.  We texted the next day as I traveled to see my daughter, then again the day after, him letting me know about his brother’s advice to me about seeing the eclipse. He is being very sweet and attentive.

More excuses: I overheard a call he received the Friday before. He said, yes 12:30, okay bye.  So maybe she was the one that pushed it into the  evening. Maybe he had invited her for lunch. I can see someone with so many failed relationships and no children being pushy like that. I can see him saying okay, then drawing the line when she pushes too far. He did not seem to happy about his weekend so maybe the evening went bad. Its not like we are dating so he has every right to have a date, but he knows how I feel.  He knows I am looking to get out of my job. He didn’t have to tell me at all though, so why did he? To be honest about things for when we go forward some day or to let me know he is dating someone?  I wish the first, but have to accept it might be the last.

P.S. Afternoon theory is a bust. I just saw his calendar on that day and his 12:30 was a dental appointment. He invited her over on a Saturday night. Hawaii here I come. I can’t do this anymore.

A Twist in the RomCom – Hawaii?

I am applying for a job in Hawaii and I have a shot at getting an offer. We were sitting outside on a bench having lunch. I was not sure how to approach the subject so I just told him. His immediate reaction was to try to talk me out of applying. After lunch he went right to his computer and read the job announcement. Within 10 minutes he’s saying I should consider it, if its something I would want. The next day he is talking me out of it again.  I have very mixed feelings too. I tell him I could leave my job, the institution, and not feel bad about it, but leaving him would about kill me. He blushed and said he was a pain in the ass. I agreed.

He has been super sweet ever since. He said he would be a professional reference for my application. I am doing dishes and realize his cups are not in the sick. We practically run into each other as I walk out and he walks into the kitchen. He goes to dry his hands on the dish rag hanging below the sink I am standing next to and asks if he can use my skirt. I laugh and say no!

As far as work goes, it would be a huge change, a demotion really. But less administration and more of the fun work. It would also be a pay cut, but housing costs are less in Hilo.

The offer might not come and I might not have to decide. If it did, it would be a financial choice based on the salary they are willing to pay. Personally, it would allow us to finally have a romance, 5000 miles away, but that  would  be more of a romance than  we can have now.  He loves Hawaii and I know he would consider retiring there. I think he realizes he could work for one or two more years and then join me. Alternately, he could be not thinking that at all. I have no idea. But the way he looks at me when we part ways says otherwise.

Sucked back in

We argued multiple times today over work related issues. When we were done with the disagreement, we are done.  No lingering hard feelings or anger. No consequences. Its work, he has an opinion and so do I. We express it and we are done.  This happened at least twice today. Each time we were back to our old selves when the discussion was over. Sitting outside enjoying a quick lunch together or laughing about something. At the end of the  day we do the dishes, together side by side, sometimes too close. We walk out together. I almost forget to go my separate way.  When I get home I text him what food to bring in tomorrow so I can make something for lunch. He texts back what he has and asks if its okay. I am in a reverse marriage. Yes I realize this post totally contrasts with the previous post. Welcome to my life.

Saturday Morning

I am having a nice Saturday morning. I am writing and have music playing. I stop to appreciate the morning then wonder what is he doing? Is he thinking of me? There is a movie we both want to see. He mentioned it a few weeks ago and I didn’t recieve an invite, I never do. So it’s Friday at 5:00 and I am leaving. He stops what he is doing to say thank you. He asks about something, says there was something else but he couldn’t think what. I mention the movie. He says its playing near him I say I can metro he says he has something he has to do Saturday night but maybe Sunday. 

So. He has plans Saturday night should I be jealous? Or glad he would actually consider seeing a movie with me on a Saturday night? That would have been off limits a few months ago. I say just let me know and he says okay. He gives me that last look and I meet his eyes then pull away quickly. I am so afraid I will get stuck there and he will see into my heart. But I think he has already done that. 

Reunion #1

He’s back. It’s been 6 weeks since I have seen him.  I have my daughter with me and he is with his son. We text. He’s coming to the city to see the fireworks and invites us to join him. An actual invitation. That is a new thing. I decline because my parents will be arriving but say we will try to connect earlier. It’s raining. My daughter and I walk down to the festival. I text and call when we arrive and get no response. It is pouring rain and the festival is cancelled.  I am sitting in a tent in the rain with my daughter. I fear I will miss him completely and then I’m gone on vacation and won’t see him for 10 more days. Then He calls. His phone was silenced and he didn’t know it and missed my call. He’s across the mall. We walk towards him and I see his tall familiar shape coming my way on the rain. We meet in the middle of the mall in the middle of the rain. He’s alone so my daughter says, “your missing someone” meaning his son. Pointing at me he says, “I’m missing your Mom”. OMG I almost died right there. I walk up and say I feel like I’m seeing a ghost. He says he’s not a ghost and I go in for a hug (Hug#4 and yes I am counting). We stand in the rain, his son and my daughter meeting for the first time, chatting and laughing and catching up. What an adventure they had what a thrill to be together again. Sadly We depart. I look back for one last glance and he is just looking away froM doing the same thing. Later that day he invites me to join them for a movie. I can’t because my parents are now here.  I haven’t seen him since. We have texted a bit but that’s it. Now I’ve been away for 10 days. I will see him tomorrow at work. What will reunion #2 be like? 

Back to Panama

Two and a half years later, we are going back to panama tomorrow. Panama. Where I first got to know him. Where we shared desserts every night. Where we first worked side by side. Where he first turned my head. That panama. Where do we stand? I don’t still know!  All I know is this.

  1. I still love him
  2. he still enjoys my company and I his
  3. we still have long talks
  4. he has “a girl he talks to”
  5. he compares her to me
  6. he says she is “a mess”
  7. he has no idea if I am dating
  8. We laugh together a lot
  9. we act like a couple when we are together
  10. i miss him when we are apart

Recent moments include:

  • teaching a class together where he demonstrates a skill by holding me from behind and his body touches mine and feels like magic
  • doing dishes together side by side me washing, him rinsing – so domestic
  • him introducing us as a team and calling us the yin and the yang

Sprinkle in between these moments my usual rage resulting in breaking up with a man I have no commitment with. How long can this go on?  What will happen in panama? A lot of work, that is for sure, but I am staying an extra day to relax and recover, will he stay too?  I will let you know in my next post

 

 

Deep Talk

Its Friday at 5:ish and I end up in his office.  He wants to ask me something and is clearly not sure how to start. He has a friend who is very religious and married a man who is into porn. By what he said I know who he is talking about and don’t think he is interrested in dating her, but she is an old friend so he cares.  He can’t reconcile She knowingly married a man like that and still seems okay with it.  She is still married and has no intention of leaving.  He is asking me because my husband had the same problem. I didn’t realize he had such a problem when I married him and when I finally came to the conclusion things would never change, I left. I explained many things to him that night about what I went through and why it took me so long to leave. We talked about sex and what it means to us and what we want in our next relationship. I’ve never seen him sit and listen to me quite like that before.  It turned into an explanation of why I put up with it so long and what my values are.  I referenced a relevant book of his that he had shared with me.  He said that he sent it to her. So that means this was not some recent conversation with his friend.  Why was he asking me about it now?  Why was this conversation about my expectations for love and relationships and marriage and sex? Is that what he wanted to know?  Was he judging me and wanting to understand why I put up with it so long?  Again, like so many things with him, I don’t know. I do know it was a beautiful conversation.  Face to face, looking into each other’s eyes, for hours, sharing what we think is important about relationships. OMG, what next with this guy?

10 Stages of Loving Your Boss

1. You don’t. Your terrified. You resent the control he has over you and you which he wasn’t there. 
2. He makes you laugh and seems genuine. What color are his eyes? You don’t know because you have been afraid to look. 

3. You both have a lot of questions and are in each other’s office, a lot. He is new so it seems reasonable but did he really need to ask you that or did he just want to visit? His eyes are blue. 

4. Stop thinking about him. I’m mean it. Stop. Okay stop now. Can’t stop thinking about him. 

5. This will pass. It’s because he is new. Give it time and the day will come when you wonder what the hell you were thinking. 

6. It’s not going away so what exactly is the attraction? You make a list of likes and don’t likes and the like list is huge. 

7. Jealously kicks in. What is he doing over the weekend? Who is that calling him or texting him. You start to imagine the worst and it makes you cry. 

8. Acceptance that this is love. Years have gone by and it’s not going away, in fact it’s stronger. That list of likes doesn’t shrink, it grows, and the dislikes get smaller. 

9. Acceptance that there is nothing you can do about it that doesn’t turn into you losing your job. This equals sadness. 

10. ? I don’t know. I am stuck at 9.