Back to Panama

Two and a half years later, we are going back to panama tomorrow. Panama. Where I first got to know him. Where we shared desserts every night. Where we first worked side by side. Where he first turned my head. That panama. Where do we stand? I don’t still know!  All I know is this.

  1. I still love him
  2. he still enjoys my company and I his
  3. we still have long talks
  4. he has “a girl he talks to”
  5. he compares her to me
  6. he says she is “a mess”
  7. he has no idea if I am dating
  8. We laugh together a lot
  9. we act like a couple when we are together
  10. i miss him when we are apart

Recent moments include:

  • teaching a class together where he demonstrates a skill by holding me from behind and his body touches mine and feels like magic
  • doing dishes together side by side me washing, him rinsing – so domestic
  • him introducing us as a team and calling us the yin and the yang

Sprinkle in between these moments my usual rage resulting in breaking up with a man I have no commitment with. How long can this go on?  What will happen in panama? A lot of work, that is for sure, but I am staying an extra day to relax and recover, will he stay too?  I will let you know in my next post

 

 

Deep Talk

Its Friday at 5:ish and I end up in his office.  He wants to ask me something and is clearly not sure how to start. He has a friend who is very religious and married a man who is into porn. By what he said I know who he is talking about and don’t think he is interrested in dating her, but she is an old friend so he cares.  He can’t reconcile She knowingly married a man like that and still seems okay with it.  She is still married and has no intention of leaving.  He is asking me because my husband had the same problem. I didn’t realize he had such a problem when I married him and when I finally came to the conclusion things would never change, I left. I explained many things to him that night about what I went through and why it took me so long to leave. We talked about sex and what it means to us and what we want in our next relationship. I’ve never seen him sit and listen to me quite like that before.  It turned into an explanation of why I put up with it so long and what my values are.  I referenced a relevant book of his that he had shared with me.  He said that he sent it to her. So that means this was not some recent conversation with his friend.  Why was he asking me about it now?  Why was this conversation about my expectations for love and relationships and marriage and sex? Is that what he wanted to know?  Was he judging me and wanting to understand why I put up with it so long?  Again, like so many things with him, I don’t know. I do know it was a beautiful conversation.  Face to face, looking into each other’s eyes, for hours, sharing what we think is important about relationships. OMG, what next with this guy?

Norm goes on and on and on…

It is now one year since Alaska and we are heading back to the same meeting.  I reflect over the year with an ache that won’t go away.  Jealously has consumed me ridiculously and still does. I think it is because I don’t have any reassurance on how he feels or what he plans.  We don’t talk about it.  His attempt to back up the relationship failed and we are much closer now than we were then.  Highlights over the year include meeting his sons over the holidays, going to pick up my laptop at his house wearing a dress and seeing that loving look on his adoring face. Seeing the way he consumed my face after being away for 10 days, it was a look of love. He missed me. That is the look I will see when he first kisses me, one million years from now.

I feel like we are stuck.  He is my supervisor so he can’t even say how he feels.  Might all of this exist only in my head? I don’t think so but that is a possibility. How long will this go on?  I can see working for him for three more years.  Will we last that long?  I see no way out.  My therapist says I should try dating.  I have no interest in doing this so I am not going to try.  He does not seem to be dating either.  If he did, my heart would be ripped apart.  He reassures me when something comes up that smacks at all of another woman, by telling about whatever it was and adding in the information I need to know.  What is he thinking?  Some days he talks to me about very personal things, like his insecurities, his problems with his family.  Other days he’s all business or downright aggressive. This comes when he feels he is not getting enough done at work and blames it partially on me, I think.  He is religious so I can see him putting our fate in the hands of God. I don’t have that faith.  Faith might carry him through but it won’t help me.   At this point I feel like it is going to go on like this until one of us quits, which is years from now.  Every day is unbearable, every weekend is a heart ached.  How can I last that long?  Advice anyone?

Follow this epic tale of finding love over 50, based on a true story. The story is ongoing so the end is TBD. Follow, comment, and provide support to the main character as she finds herself in love all over again in her 50s, this time with her boss. Updates will be posted every Friday at 5:00. 

Next week: Who knows? Anything could happen.

Watching yoga

We were running a training course in Florida at a research station.  It was late, like 9:00, but I wanted to do yoga before bed. He had brought his matt on the trip so I asked if he wanted to join me and he said no.  I went out to the pier, put on my headphones and strategically placed my matt in view of the deck where we were staying, then forgot about anything but yoga, my music, and the moon that was out.  It was a beautiful night.  I stretched and danced and did push ups and basically had a very good session.  As I rolled up my matt I saw him out of the corner of my eyes on the deck standing up into the doorway.  It was about 10:00 now and I was surprised he was coming outside that late, maybe something was wrong.  When I went to the deck, he wasn’t there.  That is when I replayed the vision I had of him in my mind.  He wasn’t coming out, he was going in. He had been watching me do yoga and when I rolled up my matt, he snuck back inside.  The next morning I commented on how he had missed such a good yoga session and he said, “no I didn’t, I was sound asleep and not missing it at all.” the liar…weeks later he was having back trouble and his doctor prescribed yoga so he asked me about some moves that he saw me do in Florida “or somewhere” as he tried to cover it up. He is a giant, adorable lousy liar.

Follow this epic tale of finding love over 50, based on a true story. The story is ongoing so the end is TBD. Follow, comment, and provide support to the main character as she finds herself in love all over again in her 50s, this time with her boss. Updates will be posted every Friday at 5:00. 

Next week: Not there when I needed him.

Finding a norm

Even with all her efforts to show him everything was okay, she was struggling inside. For her, everything was not okay. She found herself thinking about him continuously.  She checked her email obsessively, hoping for something from him. Weekends were sadness; two entire days without him. Holidays were downright depressing. She fought it at first, then gave in and started a blog to herself in hopes of somehow getting control over her feelings.  He never said how he feels about her. To the very day of this writing, she still doesn’t really know.

He began to feel more comfortable with her once again. The teasing started back up. They found themselves having long conversations about anything. Her heart began to hurt at the thought of him finding someone else. She became jealous over silly things and tried not to show it. He began to tell her what he was doing after hours which made her feel better.  Did he know she needed this? He would txt her over the weekend occasionally but not always. She would do the same, but not always. They soon found themselves in a long and lonely rhythm.  She laughed and loved at work, and went home to sadness and depression.  Eventually she managed to move out of her house and away from her husband, which was a huge relief, but found herself feeling homeless because she was living at her sister house. 

He became depressed and texted her about it once. She asked too many questions and he said she would be a good one to talk to but he can’t, and he never brought it up again.  She cried at almost every run and shower. Still does.

Follow this epic tale of finding love over 50, based on a true story. The story is ongoing so the end is TBD. Follow, comment, and provide support to the main character as she finds herself in love all over again in her 50s, this time with her boss. Updates will be posted every Friday at 5:00. 

Next week: Watching Yoga

Next Stop Vegas

One month after Alaska and they found themselves in Las Vegas on business. Everything was normal, whatever that is. He would call or txt after hours from his room about whatever was happening.  She txted or talked back from her room (sometimes in the nude).  They stayed an extra day, at his suggestion.  People would see them together and as usual, assume they were a couple.  They had a good time together, they always do.  Nothing was mentioned between them about the “event” in Alaska. They don’t talk about it. At All.  She decided they should be able to talk about it. She wanted them to be able to laugh about it. Hiding in an elevator is funny. Everything is okay.  She decided she would share what her therapist said about that night with him. He would benefit from learning about why it happened and they would be able to laugh about it.

They had dinner together on the last night in Las Vegas. She took that opportunity to try to talk about what happened on the last night of their previous trip. She shared what her therapist said. It took guts, he wasn’t in a communicative mood. It was awkward.  But she told him anyways and he just stared, like a deer caught in headlights. “Nothing?” she said. He laughed and said, “I don’t know what to say?”  He’s not used to this level of communication and neither is she, but she was determined to push past the surface with him. He is definitely deep, as he has shown, and she is not going to stay in the surface now that she has seen what’s beneath. They talk about it a little bit more then move on to work subjects.  As she walked back to her room she wondered of he’s really if he would think about it or if he’s really just a total ass.  She wasn’t sure at this point. 

Follow this epic tale of finding love over 50, based on a true story. The story is ongoing so the end is TBD. Follow, comment, and provide support to the main character as she finds herself in love all over again in her 50s, this time with her boss. Updates will be posted every Friday at 5:00. 

Next week: Finding a Norm

Therapist explains why…

She asked her therapist why. If she is trying to get out of a relationship, why does she find herself wanting to get into one? Of all men, why her boss? Her husband is an over sexual Pepe-le-peu, the last thing she wants is another man groping her, so why?  He explained it her in a way that made sense.  She has a need, one that was not fulfilled by her husband.  A need to be loved and feel safe in a man’s arms.  Sex does not equal love. Her marriage had the sex but not the closeness of love.  Her husband would say that sex makes us close, that is what we have that is different from anyone else. She realized it was the reverse. If you have something different from everyone else, that level of closeness, then you have sex. She found she could be close to her boss without the pressure of it leading to sex, and that was part of the attraction.  The fact that he WAS her boss was part of the attraction. Because he was such a huge risk, they couldn’t go there. He was so unsafe, he was safe. Part of her wanted him badly and part of her wanted the safety of being close to someone without the pressure of it turning into sex. It was an inner conflict that she struggled with then, and still does.

Follow this epic tale of finding love over 50, based on a true story. The story is ongoing so the end is TBD. Follow, comment, and provide support to the main character as she finds herself in love all over again in her 50s, this time with her boss. Updates will be posted every Friday at 5:00. 

Next week: Next Stop Vegas

Rethinking 

He tried to back up their relationship. He would turn off the music when she came to his office. He was very formal. No teasing, no laughing, in and out and most conversations were on the phone.  He stopped telling her about his life, what he was doing. He tried to be distant. She cried in the shower.

Give him time and space, she thought. He needs to do this. He needs to know that everything is okay. She also needed the time even if she didn’t want it. She realized that while she wanted him to succeed, she was actually destroying him. Distracting conversation is fun but he wasn’t getting his work done. He was hired for a purpose and was not making headway.  And if they had gone there that could have ruined his career if someone found out.  It would have undermined everything they were trying to accomplish. He had an additional responsibility as her supervisor and he almost blew it.  So she understood and gave him space, stayed out of his office mostly, saw her  therapist, went on long runs and cried in the shower, a lot.

Follow this epic tale of finding love over 50, based on a true story. The story is ongoing so the end is TBD. Follow, comment, and provide support to the main character as she finds herself in love all over again in her 50s, this time with her boss. Updates will be posted every Friday at 5:00. 

Next week: Therapist explains why…

One week later

They didn’t talk much after that for an entire week. He was on leave at his old house getting rid of things. It was a bad week. And it gave both of them time to think.

She decided her marriage had to finally end. She contacted her marriage councilor asking him to help her get a divorce. While nothing happened and she didn’t have any intentions, that he felt that good and she was now keeping secrets from her husband was the tipping point. No matter how this story ends, she has no regrets about ending her marriage and if nothing else comes out of this, at least she did finally free herself from that.

When he returned a week later she said she wanted to talk about it. His response was awful. He said he didn’t know what she was thinking but there would never be anything between them. It stung. Badly.  She said maybe they should talk about it later and left his office. Ouch.

Within a few minutes he was in her office apologizing. He said he can be too harsh sometimes. Then went on to say professionally it was not an option and personally they are different people.  This was all true and she agreed.

She then thought about it overnight and realized he actually had intentions that night. Would he have actually made love? To this day I really don’t know.

The next day she said she thought it over and needed to explain. He stopped everything that he was doing and listened. She explained how it was such a wonderful week and wanted him to know that he made it that way. That she had no intentions of seducing him. She is married and he’s her boss. That it wasn’t about sex. That he makes her feel safe because they can be close and don’t have that. That she still needs their relationship, that laughter in her life. He agreed but said we can’t go there, meaning sex. She agreed and said that it would be a disaster. Even so, what he said hurt. It still does.

 

Follow this epic tale of finding love over 50, based on a true story. The story is ongoing so the end is TBD. Follow, comment, and provide support to the main character as she finds herself in love all over again in her 50s, this time with her boss. Updates will be posted every Friday at 5:00. 

Next week: Rethinking

That Last Night

She had to catch the shuttle to the airport at 4:00 am to catch her flight.  They were with a group at the bar. It was late and she hadn’t packed up yet so she decided she would stay up all night. A friend bought her a whiskey. She offered him a sip and he downed the entire drink. He didn’t want her to get too drunk, so he drank it.

 They left the bar together around 1:30 am? The elevator ride was only two floors up but it was the longest two floors ever. He was staring at her then he leaned over to kiss her. She started to lean in for the kiss and panicked, turned away, covered her face into the corner and literally tried to hide in the elevator. FYI there is no place to hide in an elevator so don’t even try it. Realizing how silly she was being, she turned around and the elevator door opened. He said goodnight and stepped out onto his floor.  

He was not going straight back home so she wouldn’t see him for an entire week and started missing him already. She texted him from her room. He texted her back. Texting with your boss while you both are drunk at 2:00 am in Alaska can be very dangerous. 

After much texting, he ended up in her room. They just talked. She had no intentions of making love to him, she had a husband to go home to. She staying up all night and wanted his company. He said he wasn’t sleeping anyways so he came up to help her pack and pick up something of his that she had. 

Moments she visualizes from that night. He sits in the other bed, looks straight at her and turns out the light. He opens the curtains to let in the view. He’s in his bare feet. He’s gorgeous. 

They lay in different beds with the lights out talking. Mostly her talking.  She says she likes him but finds it confusing. She asks him how he feels. He says he’s too drunk to talk about it and he better go.  She walks him to the door. She gestures for a hug and he holds her for she doesnt know how long. With her ear pressed against his chest, she can hear his heart racing. She can feel her body melting. She panicked and shoved him out the door. As she walked back into her room she saw the bed where he was laying just a moment ago. He left behind a perfect cocoon in the covers. She had 1/2 hour until she needed to get up, so she set her alarm, crawled naked into his cocoon, and it was still warm.