Back to Panama

Two and a half years later, we are going back to panama tomorrow. Panama. Where I first got to know him. Where we shared desserts every night. Where we first worked side by side. Where he first turned my head. That panama. Where do we stand? I don’t still know!  All I know is this.

  1. I still love him
  2. he still enjoys my company and I his
  3. we still have long talks
  4. he has “a girl he talks to”
  5. he compares her to me
  6. he says she is “a mess”
  7. he has no idea if I am dating
  8. We laugh together a lot
  9. we act like a couple when we are together
  10. i miss him when we are apart

Recent moments include:

  • teaching a class together where he demonstrates a skill by holding me from behind and his body touches mine and feels like magic
  • doing dishes together side by side me washing, him rinsing – so domestic
  • him introducing us as a team and calling us the yin and the yang

Sprinkle in between these moments my usual rage resulting in breaking up with a man I have no commitment with. How long can this go on?  What will happen in panama? A lot of work, that is for sure, but I am staying an extra day to relax and recover, will he stay too?  I will let you know in my next post

 

 

Norm goes on and on and on…

It is now one year since Alaska and we are heading back to the same meeting.  I reflect over the year with an ache that won’t go away.  Jealously has consumed me ridiculously and still does. I think it is because I don’t have any reassurance on how he feels or what he plans.  We don’t talk about it.  His attempt to back up the relationship failed and we are much closer now than we were then.  Highlights over the year include meeting his sons over the holidays, going to pick up my laptop at his house wearing a dress and seeing that loving look on his adoring face. Seeing the way he consumed my face after being away for 10 days, it was a look of love. He missed me. That is the look I will see when he first kisses me, one million years from now.

I feel like we are stuck.  He is my supervisor so he can’t even say how he feels.  Might all of this exist only in my head? I don’t think so but that is a possibility. How long will this go on?  I can see working for him for three more years.  Will we last that long?  I see no way out.  My therapist says I should try dating.  I have no interest in doing this so I am not going to try.  He does not seem to be dating either.  If he did, my heart would be ripped apart.  He reassures me when something comes up that smacks at all of another woman, by telling about whatever it was and adding in the information I need to know.  What is he thinking?  Some days he talks to me about very personal things, like his insecurities, his problems with his family.  Other days he’s all business or downright aggressive. This comes when he feels he is not getting enough done at work and blames it partially on me, I think.  He is religious so I can see him putting our fate in the hands of God. I don’t have that faith.  Faith might carry him through but it won’t help me.   At this point I feel like it is going to go on like this until one of us quits, which is years from now.  Every day is unbearable, every weekend is a heart ached.  How can I last that long?  Advice anyone?

Follow this epic tale of finding love over 50, based on a true story. The story is ongoing so the end is TBD. Follow, comment, and provide support to the main character as she finds herself in love all over again in her 50s, this time with her boss. Updates will be posted every Friday at 5:00. 

Next week: Who knows? Anything could happen.

Watching yoga

We were running a training course in Florida at a research station.  It was late, like 9:00, but I wanted to do yoga before bed. He had brought his matt on the trip so I asked if he wanted to join me and he said no.  I went out to the pier, put on my headphones and strategically placed my matt in view of the deck where we were staying, then forgot about anything but yoga, my music, and the moon that was out.  It was a beautiful night.  I stretched and danced and did push ups and basically had a very good session.  As I rolled up my matt I saw him out of the corner of my eyes on the deck standing up into the doorway.  It was about 10:00 now and I was surprised he was coming outside that late, maybe something was wrong.  When I went to the deck, he wasn’t there.  That is when I replayed the vision I had of him in my mind.  He wasn’t coming out, he was going in. He had been watching me do yoga and when I rolled up my matt, he snuck back inside.  The next morning I commented on how he had missed such a good yoga session and he said, “no I didn’t, I was sound asleep and not missing it at all.” the liar…weeks later he was having back trouble and his doctor prescribed yoga so he asked me about some moves that he saw me do in Florida “or somewhere” as he tried to cover it up. He is a giant, adorable lousy liar.

Follow this epic tale of finding love over 50, based on a true story. The story is ongoing so the end is TBD. Follow, comment, and provide support to the main character as she finds herself in love all over again in her 50s, this time with her boss. Updates will be posted every Friday at 5:00. 

Next week: Not there when I needed him.

Therapist explains why…

She asked her therapist why. If she is trying to get out of a relationship, why does she find herself wanting to get into one? Of all men, why her boss? Her husband is an over sexual Pepe-le-peu, the last thing she wants is another man groping her, so why?  He explained it her in a way that made sense.  She has a need, one that was not fulfilled by her husband.  A need to be loved and feel safe in a man’s arms.  Sex does not equal love. Her marriage had the sex but not the closeness of love.  Her husband would say that sex makes us close, that is what we have that is different from anyone else. She realized it was the reverse. If you have something different from everyone else, that level of closeness, then you have sex. She found she could be close to her boss without the pressure of it leading to sex, and that was part of the attraction.  The fact that he WAS her boss was part of the attraction. Because he was such a huge risk, they couldn’t go there. He was so unsafe, he was safe. Part of her wanted him badly and part of her wanted the safety of being close to someone without the pressure of it turning into sex. It was an inner conflict that she struggled with then, and still does.

Follow this epic tale of finding love over 50, based on a true story. The story is ongoing so the end is TBD. Follow, comment, and provide support to the main character as she finds herself in love all over again in her 50s, this time with her boss. Updates will be posted every Friday at 5:00. 

Next week: Next Stop Vegas

They Look Like a Couple

When they were out together, strangers assumed they were a couple. They would correct the mistake at first, but it happened so often, neither of them bother to correct anyone anymore.  In a bar once with a group of people, she went to get a beer. While the bar tender was pouring her beer, he came up and said he would like a taste. Instead of giving him a sample in a small glass, the bar tender handed him the beer she was pouring, which was hers. He took a sip and handed it back. The bar tender finished filling the beer, then handed it to her. What the heck? She thought, we are not a couple! He didn’t bother say anything except I’ll have one too. Fast food restaurants would charge whomever made it through the line first for both meals.  She was starting to feel like a couple and had to watch herself. At a trade show someone asked if she was his better half and much to her embarrassment, she said “yes”. He just looked at her and she said, “At work!  I’m your better half at work.” which is true, so darn true.

 Follow this epic tale of finding love over 50, based on a true story. The story is ongoing so the end is TBD. Follow, comment, and provide support to the main character as she finds herself in love all over again in her 50s, this time with her boss. Updates will be posted every Friday at 5:00. 

Next week: Disappointments