It is now one year since Alaska and we are heading back to the same meeting. I reflect over the year with an ache that won’t go away. Jealously has consumed me ridiculously and still does. I think it is because I don’t have any reassurance on how he feels or what he plans. We don’t talk about it. His attempt to back up the relationship failed and we are much closer now than we were then. Highlights over the year include meeting his sons over the holidays, going to pick up my laptop at his house wearing a dress and seeing that loving look on his adoring face. Seeing the way he consumed my face after being away for 10 days, it was a look of love. He missed me. That is the look I will see when he first kisses me, one million years from now.
I feel like we are stuck. He is my supervisor so he can’t even say how he feels. Might all of this exist only in my head? I don’t think so but that is a possibility. How long will this go on? I can see working for him for three more years. Will we last that long? I see no way out. My therapist says I should try dating. I have no interest in doing this so I am not going to try. He does not seem to be dating either. If he did, my heart would be ripped apart. He reassures me when something comes up that smacks at all of another woman, by telling about whatever it was and adding in the information I need to know. What is he thinking? Some days he talks to me about very personal things, like his insecurities, his problems with his family. Other days he’s all business or downright aggressive. This comes when he feels he is not getting enough done at work and blames it partially on me, I think. He is religious so I can see him putting our fate in the hands of God. I don’t have that faith. Faith might carry him through but it won’t help me. At this point I feel like it is going to go on like this until one of us quits, which is years from now. Every day is unbearable, every weekend is a heart ached. How can I last that long? Advice anyone?
Follow this epic tale of finding love over 50, based on a true story. The story is ongoing so the end is TBD. Follow, comment, and provide support to the main character as she finds herself in love all over again in her 50s, this time with her boss. Updates will be posted every Friday at 5:00.
Next week: Who knows? Anything could happen.