Norm goes on and on and on…

It is now one year since Alaska and we are heading back to the same meeting.  I reflect over the year with an ache that won’t go away.  Jealously has consumed me ridiculously and still does. I think it is because I don’t have any reassurance on how he feels or what he plans.  We don’t talk about it.  His attempt to back up the relationship failed and we are much closer now than we were then.  Highlights over the year include meeting his sons over the holidays, going to pick up my laptop at his house wearing a dress and seeing that loving look on his adoring face. Seeing the way he consumed my face after being away for 10 days, it was a look of love. He missed me. That is the look I will see when he first kisses me, one million years from now.

I feel like we are stuck.  He is my supervisor so he can’t even say how he feels.  Might all of this exist only in my head? I don’t think so but that is a possibility. How long will this go on?  I can see working for him for three more years.  Will we last that long?  I see no way out.  My therapist says I should try dating.  I have no interest in doing this so I am not going to try.  He does not seem to be dating either.  If he did, my heart would be ripped apart.  He reassures me when something comes up that smacks at all of another woman, by telling about whatever it was and adding in the information I need to know.  What is he thinking?  Some days he talks to me about very personal things, like his insecurities, his problems with his family.  Other days he’s all business or downright aggressive. This comes when he feels he is not getting enough done at work and blames it partially on me, I think.  He is religious so I can see him putting our fate in the hands of God. I don’t have that faith.  Faith might carry him through but it won’t help me.   At this point I feel like it is going to go on like this until one of us quits, which is years from now.  Every day is unbearable, every weekend is a heart ached.  How can I last that long?  Advice anyone?

Follow this epic tale of finding love over 50, based on a true story. The story is ongoing so the end is TBD. Follow, comment, and provide support to the main character as she finds herself in love all over again in her 50s, this time with her boss. Updates will be posted every Friday at 5:00. 

Next week: Who knows? Anything could happen.

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My Birthday and a non date

It was a Friday at 5:00 and he said he wanted to see a movie. He didn’t ask me to join him, btw, but said he was thinking about going to a movie, many times.  So I invited myself and he agreed.  He said he was going to get dinner first, so if I was going for a run, I could meet him at the movie.  There was no time to run so I said would join him for dinner at Quiznos.  Fine, he said, Lets get the tickets first. We walked to the theater and the movie we wanted to see was not playing there. Now we were stuck.  Well, he said.  I said we could see it another time.  I wanted to take you to the movie for your birthday, he said, you had a rough day and I wanted to cheer you up.  Oh, I said. Hmmm. I guess that’s it, he said and looked at me with this worried look, like I should do something. What a dork! I waiting for him to take the lead, this was his idea, but he failed.  Finally, after standing there for I don’t know how long, I said we could still get dinner.  Okay, he said, where? So we stood there for I dont l know how long figuring out where to go for dinner. Finally we decided and ended up having a very nice dinner of pizza and beer.  Whew!  Why was that was so difficult? He seemed very uncomfortable until I got a beer in him.  It was like he wanted to do this but didn’t know how.  That was our one and only non date.  Doing that now doesn’t even seem like an option.  I don’t understand why.

Follow this epic tale of finding love over 50, based on a true story. The story is ongoing so the end is TBD. Follow, comment, and provide support to the main character as she finds herself in love all over again in her 50s, this time with her boss. Updates will be posted every Friday at 5:00. 

Next week: Watching Yoga

Next Stop Vegas

One month after Alaska and they found themselves in Las Vegas on business. Everything was normal, whatever that is. He would call or txt after hours from his room about whatever was happening.  She txted or talked back from her room (sometimes in the nude).  They stayed an extra day, at his suggestion.  People would see them together and as usual, assume they were a couple.  They had a good time together, they always do.  Nothing was mentioned between them about the “event” in Alaska. They don’t talk about it. At All.  She decided they should be able to talk about it. She wanted them to be able to laugh about it. Hiding in an elevator is funny. Everything is okay.  She decided she would share what her therapist said about that night with him. He would benefit from learning about why it happened and they would be able to laugh about it.

They had dinner together on the last night in Las Vegas. She took that opportunity to try to talk about what happened on the last night of their previous trip. She shared what her therapist said. It took guts, he wasn’t in a communicative mood. It was awkward.  But she told him anyways and he just stared, like a deer caught in headlights. “Nothing?” she said. He laughed and said, “I don’t know what to say?”  He’s not used to this level of communication and neither is she, but she was determined to push past the surface with him. He is definitely deep, as he has shown, and she is not going to stay in the surface now that she has seen what’s beneath. They talk about it a little bit more then move on to work subjects.  As she walked back to her room she wondered of he’s really if he would think about it or if he’s really just a total ass.  She wasn’t sure at this point. 

Follow this epic tale of finding love over 50, based on a true story. The story is ongoing so the end is TBD. Follow, comment, and provide support to the main character as she finds herself in love all over again in her 50s, this time with her boss. Updates will be posted every Friday at 5:00. 

Next week: Finding a Norm

Therapist explains why…

She asked her therapist why. If she is trying to get out of a relationship, why does she find herself wanting to get into one? Of all men, why her boss? Her husband is an over sexual Pepe-le-peu, the last thing she wants is another man groping her, so why?  He explained it her in a way that made sense.  She has a need, one that was not fulfilled by her husband.  A need to be loved and feel safe in a man’s arms.  Sex does not equal love. Her marriage had the sex but not the closeness of love.  Her husband would say that sex makes us close, that is what we have that is different from anyone else. She realized it was the reverse. If you have something different from everyone else, that level of closeness, then you have sex. She found she could be close to her boss without the pressure of it leading to sex, and that was part of the attraction.  The fact that he WAS her boss was part of the attraction. Because he was such a huge risk, they couldn’t go there. He was so unsafe, he was safe. Part of her wanted him badly and part of her wanted the safety of being close to someone without the pressure of it turning into sex. It was an inner conflict that she struggled with then, and still does.

Follow this epic tale of finding love over 50, based on a true story. The story is ongoing so the end is TBD. Follow, comment, and provide support to the main character as she finds herself in love all over again in her 50s, this time with her boss. Updates will be posted every Friday at 5:00. 

Next week: Next Stop Vegas

How did he feel about her?

She reminded him of his mom, he said. He teased her relentlessly. They would talk for a few minutes only to find 3 hours had passed by.  He called her a distraction.  He would make comments about romantic things. She was smart but silly. The goofy things she did made him laugh. She laughed too because there were just some darn funny things that she did. That is how she is, a great source of entertainment for all.  They worked on many things very closely.  They both started exercising regularly again. She found herself thinking of him, more than she should. She traveled and missed him, not her husband.  She never really did miss her husband but was surprised that she missed him.  Time passed and they became closer, talking about things one does not talk about with one’s boss.  He shared things with her that surprised her, and she did the same. She was falling for him, deep inside she knew it, but was he feeling it too? How will she ever know?

 Follow this epic tale of finding love over 50, based on a true story. The story is ongoing so the end is TBD. Follow, comment, and provide support to the main character as she finds herself in love all over again in her 50s, this time with her boss. Updates will be posted every Friday at 5:00.

 Next week: They look like a couple

He was the Opposite

She couldn’t remember ever being around a man like him. He was honest, he exercised and even liked to play outside. They ran every morning in when they were in panama and they both ran and used the gym at work once they returned.  It was wonderful to be around someone who exercises. He was kind, patient, and understanding. He laughed out loud a lot and even better, he made her laugh.  She didn’t remember laughing that much, ever. He was a Boy Scout. He actually said hello to a squirrel once, he really was Kronk. You gotta love Kronk.  And he was social, he talked to strangers and was friendly to everyone. By the time she returned home, her husband was even more disappointing.  Her new boss was the opposite of her husband and contrast now was too huge to ignore.

 Follow this epic tale of finding love over 50, based on a true story. The story is ongoing so the end is TBD. Follow, comment, and provide support to the main character as she finds herself in love all over again in her 50s, this time with her boss. Updates will be posted every Friday at 5:00. 

Next week: How did he feel about her?

In the Beginning

In the beginning, there was awkwardness.  Their first exposure to each other was intense.  Three weeks in Panama, working very closely on fixing a mess. She texts her family, “Its like traveling with Kronk from the Emperor’s New Groove”. They had long days and late dinners.  It seems you can’t get a quick meal in Panama, it takes hours.  She started having a beer with each dinner.  It was like mandatory speed dating. Those things you don’t talk about, they talked about. Politics, religion, not sex though, that came later.  He’s conservative and Christian.  Nice solid barrier there, she thinks, because she is liberal and atheist.  They are the same age, off by one month, he the elder.  She got very drunk on two drinks the first night and tells him about how she got her last boss fired. He seemed to take it okay, she hoped. Very awkward. Then while they were working, he started playing the music they both grew up with. And that is when he first turned her head.  “Who IS this guy?” she thought…

The mess they were fixing was huge and shocking. He rolled up his sleeves and dug in with her to get it done. He didn’t get angry about the situation, He focused on solving it instead. And he made her laugh. She hadn’t really laughed much for many years and forgot how good it felt. 

On their last night, and they stayed two days longer than scheduled, on their last night he took her to the Italian restaurant they had been to earlier to try to get tres leches, a dessert that she wanted to try but no one seemed to have and he knew because they shared desserts almost every night. She remembers to this day how he brushed her arm in the airport on the way home and he remembers what she had to drink. 

 Follow this epic tale of finding love over 50, based on a true story. The story is ongoing so the end is TBD. Follow, comment, and provide support to the main character as she finds herself in love all over again in her 50s, this time with her boss. Updates will be posted every Friday at 5:00. 

Next week: He was the Opposite

A Miracle Occurs

As with all fairy tales, just when things seem impossible, the impossible actually happens. Turns out there were problems with the candidate they chose that surfaced just in time. They rescinded the offer and then made the offer to the second candidate. Now he had a decision to make.  He came back to look around and met with her, both of them seriously considering each other for the first time. They took a walk to talk. He’s just a boy scout from Nebraska, he says. He needs to work with someone who is self-motivated and can work independently. She had been doing that for years. She’s just a hippy from Virginia she says and wants a boss who is honest. Her bar is very low at this point, that’s all she asks for, honesty. Honesty is what he is good at, to a fault sometimes.  They talk a few more times. She doesn’t tell him she got her last boss fired but he knows there were issues there. He knows the former boss so he feels if she is on the opposite side of that, she must be okay.  She is just plain terrified.

 Follow this epic tale of finding love over 50, based on a true story. The story is ongoing so the end is TBD. Follow, comment, and provide support to the main character as she finds herself in love all over again in her 50s, this time with her boss. Updates will be posted every Friday at 5:00. 

Next week: In the Beginning

No Hope

She was finally going to get a new boss even though she didn’t want one.  They asked her to be on the search committee, she declined because she was going to apply for the job.  This was hopeless she knew but she wanted to make a point. She had been running the program for years while they paid the big bucks to men that were not doing their job.  Unfortunately, this scenario was going to continue.  It came down to two candidates for the position.  She participated in the meet and greet of both candidates. One was clearly already chosen for the job, the other was just a formality, to say yes we looked at many candidates. The one they chose was more of the same. Egotistical male looking to further his own agenda. The one they didn’t choose, he might actually work.  She told this to the search committee but no one listened. When she heard the first candidate bragging about getting the job, she started planning her exit strategy. She was NOT going to live through this again.  Depression turned to despair.

Follow this epic tale of finding love over 50, based on a true story. The story is ongoing so the end is TBD. Follow, comment, and provide support to the main character as she finds herself in love all over again in her 50s, this time with her boss. Updates will be posted every Friday at 5:00.

Next week: A Miracle Occurs

Hope Comes and Goes

His adult life had been spent mostly West coast.  He lived alone by now. He had friends but no romance.  At work, there was no room for promotion, he would always be second, they made that clear. More disappointment that he didn’t understand.  He needed a change.   He applied for a job on the East coast.  He was not sure he would take it, but he needed a new start so what the heck.  It was good pay and for a prominent institution.  He went through the interview process, making sure everyone knew what he was about. He didn’t want to change his entire life if this wasn’t a good fit. Finally it was down to two, he was one of them. He came out to meet everyone, including the one person he would be working closely with, and looked around the area.  They chose the other candidate.

Follow this epic tale of finding love over 50, based on a true story. The story is ongoing so the end is TBD. Follow, comment, and provide support to the main character as she finds herself in love all over again in her 50s, this time with her boss. Updates will be posted every Friday at 5:00.

Next week: No Hope