2 Different Days

One day last week…

I am giving up on him. I don’t see him loving me these days. He seems to be different. Everything we went through this fall and he seems to have forgotten. He feels distant. He feels resistant. Christmas is a few weeks away and…I don’t know. He doesn’t feel connected to me. I don’t know what it is really. Maybe its just today but I’m tired of his resistance. He has worn me down to being too tired of it all. Why should I bother with him when he doesn’t seem to be affected by me?

The very next day…

He must have felt it too. He showed up the today extra cheerful and attentive. He said he thought of something that night he wanted to tell me but couldn’t remember what it was. He had an invitation to a Christmas party and invited me to join him. Instead we spent lunch together looking at his photos of Antarctica. When he screws up and I give up, he always comes back and makes it right again without me having to say anything at all. How am I going to get him out of my system when he does that?

I had many conversations this weekend with women who are giving up on men. The #metoo hashtag goes beyond harassment and assault, its become a #whybother movement. I don’t see myself ever loving a woman but can I get the love I need from a man? The reality is that my best bet to have what I need is to find a lover for sex and a dog for love.  I mean, how is what he says any different than Trump? He looks at women as sex objects, he just doesn’t act on it. He was/is either in relationships with these women and lying to me or he is leading them to  believe he is in a relationship with them when he isn’t, or both. If we ever get there, he has some explaining to do because how do I trust a man that would do that? Reality is, he is man and they are all creeps. Maybe no lover, just a dog….

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Rain

Its pouring outside. I always think of him when it rains. I think of Alaska. I think of him at the foot of my bed, leaning on my bed, talking for hours while the rain poured.  Its been 4 years since I fell in love with this man. It has been difficult, painful, and beautiful. I feel this stage of our friendship is coming to a close. I don’t know if the new stage will be the end or a new beginning, but change is coming.

Recent ups and downs consist of him saying it will suck if I leave, to me telling him I don’t want to leave him, to him telling me of a joke he would like to play on his son for his birthday, a voice dub on him playing his ukulele and singing happy birthday he did for someone and changing the name to his sons. That’s what he does for his ‘not girlfriends’ and he sends me a text. Ouch. I am hurt by this and I think he sees it in my face. He texts me at night about his sons successful job interview. We talk for hours at work. He says one afternoon, ‘well here we are’ as I look out the window. I have no idea where he is going with this so I say ‘and time is flying past us so fast’ and he agrees. I am on my way to the bathroom and end up sitting in his office. I finally say, ‘how did I end up in your chair, I was on my way to the bathroom?’ he says, ‘because you always do’.

Tomorrow is the last day I will see him for a month. He leaves for the antarctic. The  day he comes back I will be flying to my moms for Thanksgiving. I have been helping him get ready for this trip. He is worried about doing the dives and has told me his fears. I appreciate his comfort level in telling me so. One memorable moment in Alpena we were riding the boat back from some dives. We had spent most of the time chatting with others but towards the end I was sitting on the cooler on the back of the boat, watching were we had been. He sat next to me. There we sat, side by side, sharing a cooler, talking about things. He said then he was not looking forward to the dives in the Antarctic, my response was a sympathetic, ‘I know’.  We do dishes side by side at the office, same sort of talk. Him speaking about his concerns, me listening and being sympathetic and understanding.  Tomorrow I have to say goodbye for a month. Its not exactly like he is sailing across the Atlantic. It is not for six weeks. But I am going to miss him just as much so it will feel like exactly that.

Our Friday

We have ‘the annual meeting’ coming up in one week. The one that started this whole story in Alaska. This meeting will involve drysuit dives again. We went to the pool together yesterday, just the two of us, to test our drysuits and refresh our skills. We are getting our gear together, it is hot. I change to my swimsuit and he is in his swim shorts. We gear up together, side by side, and then step outside to cool off before we zip up and seal ourselves inside our drysuits. I don’t need help but he zips me in anyways and I do the same for him. We don our dive gear and enter the pool. Its much cooler now as we descend together. Underwater we test our buoyancy skills, he shows me a few things, I do the same for him. He jokes around and makes me laugh. 30 minutes later we ascend together. We laugh about a few things and comment on others. He finds a shell from Alaska in his pocket. Sigh…we are a team. The dive is seamless. I brought swim goggles so we can do laps afterwards. The two of us pound out 30 minutes of laps in lanes next to each other.

When we are done he gets out of the water and I see him standing there, dripping wet, shirtless, and smiling. He looks like a giant boy who just received the birthday gift he always wanted. Oh to have a man who will do laps with me.  This is what I love.

He is hungry and we get lunch at my favorite place. We sit at the window and make up a scenario about the people at the table outside. We laugh a lot. On our way back we talk about many things. He comments on something he said and how his dad would have said the same thing. I ask about his dad’s sense of humor. I say how nice it is to be around his laughter.

We get to the office and talk between work. Somehow we end up talking about learning from our past. I tell him about my therapist’s take on marital baggage. I say I have so much and its a good thing to recognize it for what it is. To understand my hypersensitivity to things is to acknowledge these things matter to me. He said its also important to understand, because I am so sensitive to these things, they might not be what I think they are.  I agreed and tried to continue my point and he restated, things might not be what you think they are. Was he just talking or was he making a point?  I have no idea.

I am trying to normalize our relationship in my head but its not working.  Its Friday so I say goodbye without much ado and then leave when we are finally done for the day at 6:30.  He texts me later that night saying there is a show on TV I might want to watch. We text back and forth a bit into the night.  This type of interaction is why its all so difficult.

Just the day before I find out he has been to two summer concerts, one I would have love to have seen. He didn’t ask me to join him or even tell me about them when he went. Who is he going with? Why does he hide it or not tell me? It hurts because I don’t know. It could be innocent or he could be going with someone he doesn’t want me to know about. I have no idea. Its Saturday night. What is he doing and who is he with right now?

Should I give up on the one man I love? He is my boss so the answer is yes. But what about when he is no longer my boss? It will be too late. He will have blown my trust by then. Or are things not what I think they are?  The only thing I do know is he is making me crazy and that has to stop.

Crash

Monday I get his weekend update. His friend from Hawaii was in town. He had her over to his  house Saturday evening. He  made her pizza. I sit there and listen, trying not so show my heart breaking. She was married and divorced twice. One marriage lasted 16 days. I ask how is that possible, he says it fell apart at the honeymoon. I say she must have been young, he says no. I stay out of his office for the rest of the day and he is in mine of course.  I can’t see him loving someone who never had kids and had such failures in her relationships. I am making excuses. He had her over on a Saturday night, just the two of them.  We walk out together at the end of the day but I don’t look at him when we say goodbye.

The next morning I get in early and his coffee is already on his desk when he comes in so I don’t have to sit and talk with him. The moments I loved yesterday become today’s dread. I am in my office all day and he comes in often. It is Tuesday and I will be on vacation for a week starting tomorrow. At the end of the day he is on the phone with a  friend. I get ready to leave and he is still talking. I panic at the thought of saying goodbye. I think of him with her last Saturday night. I bolt out of the office while he is still on the phone without a goodbye.

He is texting me by the time I get home, telling me about the friend he was talking to. Asking why I left. I said I needed to get out of there. He said wow, he was sorry to hear that. I said don’t take it personally. We texted some more then I didn’t respond anymore.  We texted the next day as I traveled to see my daughter, then again the day after, him letting me know about his brother’s advice to me about seeing the eclipse. He is being very sweet and attentive.

More excuses: I overheard a call he received the Friday before. He said, yes 12:30, okay bye.  So maybe she was the one that pushed it into the  evening. Maybe he had invited her for lunch. I can see someone with so many failed relationships and no children being pushy like that. I can see him saying okay, then drawing the line when she pushes too far. He did not seem to happy about his weekend so maybe the evening went bad. Its not like we are dating so he has every right to have a date, but he knows how I feel.  He knows I am looking to get out of my job. He didn’t have to tell me at all though, so why did he? To be honest about things for when we go forward some day or to let me know he is dating someone?  I wish the first, but have to accept it might be the last.

P.S. Afternoon theory is a bust. I just saw his calendar on that day and his 12:30 was a dental appointment. He invited her over on a Saturday night. Hawaii here I come. I can’t do this anymore.

Doubt is seeping in

I am starting to wonder at my obsession. He does not answer texts like he should. He does not respond to emails like he should. I don’t think its just me, he is not real responsive to others.  But then again, he sure was responsive to her for a while. Do I want to live his life? That is what I think it would be like. I can’t see him retiring in Maine. He would want to move to Washington and live near his best friend. Is that what I want? To live the way he wants to or the way I want? Is there a middle ground and if there is, would he be willing to go there? I’m not so sure. I do love him but honestly, he is difficult. I would be good for him, but would he be good for me?

Does he worry I am pulling away since he said no? Because I am. I have tried to keep a safe physical distance from him ever since. That look he gave me in Panama haunts me. It was a sad ‘I wish things were different’ kind of look. I looked away. I can’t handle it. I don’t want him to see how I feel. He got in the infinity pool with me until we were both freezing. That is not something he should do if he really meant “no”. But no means no and that is all I have from him so that is what I have to plan for. Moving on alone at some point. Perhaps the sooner the better.

 

 

Norm goes on and on and on…

It is now one year since Alaska and we are heading back to the same meeting.  I reflect over the year with an ache that won’t go away.  Jealously has consumed me ridiculously and still does. I think it is because I don’t have any reassurance on how he feels or what he plans.  We don’t talk about it.  His attempt to back up the relationship failed and we are much closer now than we were then.  Highlights over the year include meeting his sons over the holidays, going to pick up my laptop at his house wearing a dress and seeing that loving look on his adoring face. Seeing the way he consumed my face after being away for 10 days, it was a look of love. He missed me. That is the look I will see when he first kisses me, one million years from now.

I feel like we are stuck.  He is my supervisor so he can’t even say how he feels.  Might all of this exist only in my head? I don’t think so but that is a possibility. How long will this go on?  I can see working for him for three more years.  Will we last that long?  I see no way out.  My therapist says I should try dating.  I have no interest in doing this so I am not going to try.  He does not seem to be dating either.  If he did, my heart would be ripped apart.  He reassures me when something comes up that smacks at all of another woman, by telling about whatever it was and adding in the information I need to know.  What is he thinking?  Some days he talks to me about very personal things, like his insecurities, his problems with his family.  Other days he’s all business or downright aggressive. This comes when he feels he is not getting enough done at work and blames it partially on me, I think.  He is religious so I can see him putting our fate in the hands of God. I don’t have that faith.  Faith might carry him through but it won’t help me.   At this point I feel like it is going to go on like this until one of us quits, which is years from now.  Every day is unbearable, every weekend is a heart ached.  How can I last that long?  Advice anyone?

Follow this epic tale of finding love over 50, based on a true story. The story is ongoing so the end is TBD. Follow, comment, and provide support to the main character as she finds herself in love all over again in her 50s, this time with her boss. Updates will be posted every Friday at 5:00. 

Next week: Who knows? Anything could happen.

Watching yoga

We were running a training course in Florida at a research station.  It was late, like 9:00, but I wanted to do yoga before bed. He had brought his matt on the trip so I asked if he wanted to join me and he said no.  I went out to the pier, put on my headphones and strategically placed my matt in view of the deck where we were staying, then forgot about anything but yoga, my music, and the moon that was out.  It was a beautiful night.  I stretched and danced and did push ups and basically had a very good session.  As I rolled up my matt I saw him out of the corner of my eyes on the deck standing up into the doorway.  It was about 10:00 now and I was surprised he was coming outside that late, maybe something was wrong.  When I went to the deck, he wasn’t there.  That is when I replayed the vision I had of him in my mind.  He wasn’t coming out, he was going in. He had been watching me do yoga and when I rolled up my matt, he snuck back inside.  The next morning I commented on how he had missed such a good yoga session and he said, “no I didn’t, I was sound asleep and not missing it at all.” the liar…weeks later he was having back trouble and his doctor prescribed yoga so he asked me about some moves that he saw me do in Florida “or somewhere” as he tried to cover it up. He is a giant, adorable lousy liar.

Follow this epic tale of finding love over 50, based on a true story. The story is ongoing so the end is TBD. Follow, comment, and provide support to the main character as she finds herself in love all over again in her 50s, this time with her boss. Updates will be posted every Friday at 5:00. 

Next week: Not there when I needed him.

Therapist explains why…

She asked her therapist why. If she is trying to get out of a relationship, why does she find herself wanting to get into one? Of all men, why her boss? Her husband is an over sexual Pepe-le-peu, the last thing she wants is another man groping her, so why?  He explained it her in a way that made sense.  She has a need, one that was not fulfilled by her husband.  A need to be loved and feel safe in a man’s arms.  Sex does not equal love. Her marriage had the sex but not the closeness of love.  Her husband would say that sex makes us close, that is what we have that is different from anyone else. She realized it was the reverse. If you have something different from everyone else, that level of closeness, then you have sex. She found she could be close to her boss without the pressure of it leading to sex, and that was part of the attraction.  The fact that he WAS her boss was part of the attraction. Because he was such a huge risk, they couldn’t go there. He was so unsafe, he was safe. Part of her wanted him badly and part of her wanted the safety of being close to someone without the pressure of it turning into sex. It was an inner conflict that she struggled with then, and still does.

Follow this epic tale of finding love over 50, based on a true story. The story is ongoing so the end is TBD. Follow, comment, and provide support to the main character as she finds herself in love all over again in her 50s, this time with her boss. Updates will be posted every Friday at 5:00. 

Next week: Next Stop Vegas

Rethinking 

He tried to back up their relationship. He would turn off the music when she came to his office. He was very formal. No teasing, no laughing, in and out and most conversations were on the phone.  He stopped telling her about his life, what he was doing. He tried to be distant. She cried in the shower.

Give him time and space, she thought. He needs to do this. He needs to know that everything is okay. She also needed the time even if she didn’t want it. She realized that while she wanted him to succeed, she was actually destroying him. Distracting conversation is fun but he wasn’t getting his work done. He was hired for a purpose and was not making headway.  And if they had gone there that could have ruined his career if someone found out.  It would have undermined everything they were trying to accomplish. He had an additional responsibility as her supervisor and he almost blew it.  So she understood and gave him space, stayed out of his office mostly, saw her  therapist, went on long runs and cried in the shower, a lot.

Follow this epic tale of finding love over 50, based on a true story. The story is ongoing so the end is TBD. Follow, comment, and provide support to the main character as she finds herself in love all over again in her 50s, this time with her boss. Updates will be posted every Friday at 5:00. 

Next week: Therapist explains why…