Doubt is seeping in

I am starting to wonder at my obsession. He does not answer texts like he should. He does not respond to emails like he should. I don’t think its just me, he is not real responsive to others.  But then again, he sure was responsive to her for a while. Do I want to live his life? That is what I think it would be like. I can’t see him retiring in Maine. He would want to move to Washington and live near his best friend. Is that what I want? To live the way he wants to or the way I want? Is there a middle ground and if there is, would he be willing to go there? I’m not so sure. I do love him but honestly, he is difficult. I would be good for him, but would he be good for me?

Does he worry I am pulling away since he said no? Because I am. I have tried to keep a safe physical distance from him ever since. That look he gave me in Panama haunts me. It was a sad ‘I wish things were different’ kind of look. I looked away. I can’t handle it. I don’t want him to see how I feel. He got in the infinity pool with me until we were both freezing. That is not something he should do if he really meant “no”. But no means no and that is all I have from him so that is what I have to plan for. Moving on alone at some point. Perhaps the sooner the better.

 

 

And how was Panama?

Panama was wonderful until it wasn’t. The course went well. The facilities were great. The diving was fine. The students mostly did okay. We laughed. He flirted. He grabbed my fins. We joked. Etc…  

The last night we were there we were back in the city and it was just the two of us. I was feeling great. We were done and everything went well. It was the first time we had held the course there so a lot could have gone wrong, but it didn’t. I felt like celebrating.  I texted him about dinner he said yes and now. I met him in the lobby and he wanted to just eat in the lobby restaurant. It’s a TGIFridays. We are in panama. We are at our old haunts where we first got to know each other and went out to dinner every night and shared desserts and he wants to eat at TGIFridays? I suggest we go to an area and find dinner instead and he agrees. We find a place he remembers and sit down. I’m in a black sundress and he’s an ice cube. I try  to get the conversation going and he lightens up only to shut down again. We toast to our success. We walk around a bit. I ask if everything is okay. He says he supposes so. My response sucks. We catch a cab and go back to the hotel. I walk to his room to pick up some fins and am in his doorway. He hands me the fins and says thanks for your help. Good job. I say good night. Ice cube. Popsicle. Idiot. 

I had the entire next day to myself. I went on a few runs, walked around alone, and cried a lot. 

Norm goes on and on and on…

It is now one year since Alaska and we are heading back to the same meeting.  I reflect over the year with an ache that won’t go away.  Jealously has consumed me ridiculously and still does. I think it is because I don’t have any reassurance on how he feels or what he plans.  We don’t talk about it.  His attempt to back up the relationship failed and we are much closer now than we were then.  Highlights over the year include meeting his sons over the holidays, going to pick up my laptop at his house wearing a dress and seeing that loving look on his adoring face. Seeing the way he consumed my face after being away for 10 days, it was a look of love. He missed me. That is the look I will see when he first kisses me, one million years from now.

I feel like we are stuck.  He is my supervisor so he can’t even say how he feels.  Might all of this exist only in my head? I don’t think so but that is a possibility. How long will this go on?  I can see working for him for three more years.  Will we last that long?  I see no way out.  My therapist says I should try dating.  I have no interest in doing this so I am not going to try.  He does not seem to be dating either.  If he did, my heart would be ripped apart.  He reassures me when something comes up that smacks at all of another woman, by telling about whatever it was and adding in the information I need to know.  What is he thinking?  Some days he talks to me about very personal things, like his insecurities, his problems with his family.  Other days he’s all business or downright aggressive. This comes when he feels he is not getting enough done at work and blames it partially on me, I think.  He is religious so I can see him putting our fate in the hands of God. I don’t have that faith.  Faith might carry him through but it won’t help me.   At this point I feel like it is going to go on like this until one of us quits, which is years from now.  Every day is unbearable, every weekend is a heart ached.  How can I last that long?  Advice anyone?

Follow this epic tale of finding love over 50, based on a true story. The story is ongoing so the end is TBD. Follow, comment, and provide support to the main character as she finds herself in love all over again in her 50s, this time with her boss. Updates will be posted every Friday at 5:00. 

Next week: Who knows? Anything could happen.

Watching yoga

We were running a training course in Florida at a research station.  It was late, like 9:00, but I wanted to do yoga before bed. He had brought his matt on the trip so I asked if he wanted to join me and he said no.  I went out to the pier, put on my headphones and strategically placed my matt in view of the deck where we were staying, then forgot about anything but yoga, my music, and the moon that was out.  It was a beautiful night.  I stretched and danced and did push ups and basically had a very good session.  As I rolled up my matt I saw him out of the corner of my eyes on the deck standing up into the doorway.  It was about 10:00 now and I was surprised he was coming outside that late, maybe something was wrong.  When I went to the deck, he wasn’t there.  That is when I replayed the vision I had of him in my mind.  He wasn’t coming out, he was going in. He had been watching me do yoga and when I rolled up my matt, he snuck back inside.  The next morning I commented on how he had missed such a good yoga session and he said, “no I didn’t, I was sound asleep and not missing it at all.” the liar…weeks later he was having back trouble and his doctor prescribed yoga so he asked me about some moves that he saw me do in Florida “or somewhere” as he tried to cover it up. He is a giant, adorable lousy liar.

Follow this epic tale of finding love over 50, based on a true story. The story is ongoing so the end is TBD. Follow, comment, and provide support to the main character as she finds herself in love all over again in her 50s, this time with her boss. Updates will be posted every Friday at 5:00. 

Next week: Not there when I needed him.

Finding a norm

Even with all her efforts to show him everything was okay, she was struggling inside. For her, everything was not okay. She found herself thinking about him continuously.  She checked her email obsessively, hoping for something from him. Weekends were sadness; two entire days without him. Holidays were downright depressing. She fought it at first, then gave in and started a blog to herself in hopes of somehow getting control over her feelings.  He never said how he feels about her. To the very day of this writing, she still doesn’t really know.

He began to feel more comfortable with her once again. The teasing started back up. They found themselves having long conversations about anything. Her heart began to hurt at the thought of him finding someone else. She became jealous over silly things and tried not to show it. He began to tell her what he was doing after hours which made her feel better.  Did he know she needed this? He would txt her over the weekend occasionally but not always. She would do the same, but not always. They soon found themselves in a long and lonely rhythm.  She laughed and loved at work, and went home to sadness and depression.  Eventually she managed to move out of her house and away from her husband, which was a huge relief, but found herself feeling homeless because she was living at her sister house. 

He became depressed and texted her about it once. She asked too many questions and he said she would be a good one to talk to but he can’t, and he never brought it up again.  She cried at almost every run and shower. Still does.

Follow this epic tale of finding love over 50, based on a true story. The story is ongoing so the end is TBD. Follow, comment, and provide support to the main character as she finds herself in love all over again in her 50s, this time with her boss. Updates will be posted every Friday at 5:00. 

Next week: Watching Yoga

Rethinking 

He tried to back up their relationship. He would turn off the music when she came to his office. He was very formal. No teasing, no laughing, in and out and most conversations were on the phone.  He stopped telling her about his life, what he was doing. He tried to be distant. She cried in the shower.

Give him time and space, she thought. He needs to do this. He needs to know that everything is okay. She also needed the time even if she didn’t want it. She realized that while she wanted him to succeed, she was actually destroying him. Distracting conversation is fun but he wasn’t getting his work done. He was hired for a purpose and was not making headway.  And if they had gone there that could have ruined his career if someone found out.  It would have undermined everything they were trying to accomplish. He had an additional responsibility as her supervisor and he almost blew it.  So she understood and gave him space, stayed out of his office mostly, saw her  therapist, went on long runs and cried in the shower, a lot.

Follow this epic tale of finding love over 50, based on a true story. The story is ongoing so the end is TBD. Follow, comment, and provide support to the main character as she finds herself in love all over again in her 50s, this time with her boss. Updates will be posted every Friday at 5:00. 

Next week: Therapist explains why…

One week later

They didn’t talk much after that for an entire week. He was on leave at his old house getting rid of things. It was a bad week. And it gave both of them time to think.

She decided her marriage had to finally end. She contacted her marriage councilor asking him to help her get a divorce. While nothing happened and she didn’t have any intentions, that he felt that good and she was now keeping secrets from her husband was the tipping point. No matter how this story ends, she has no regrets about ending her marriage and if nothing else comes out of this, at least she did finally free herself from that.

When he returned a week later she said she wanted to talk about it. His response was awful. He said he didn’t know what she was thinking but there would never be anything between them. It stung. Badly.  She said maybe they should talk about it later and left his office. Ouch.

Within a few minutes he was in her office apologizing. He said he can be too harsh sometimes. Then went on to say professionally it was not an option and personally they are different people.  This was all true and she agreed.

She then thought about it overnight and realized he actually had intentions that night. Would he have actually made love? To this day I really don’t know.

The next day she said she thought it over and needed to explain. He stopped everything that he was doing and listened. She explained how it was such a wonderful week and wanted him to know that he made it that way. That she had no intentions of seducing him. She is married and he’s her boss. That it wasn’t about sex. That he makes her feel safe because they can be close and don’t have that. That she still needs their relationship, that laughter in her life. He agreed but said we can’t go there, meaning sex. She agreed and said that it would be a disaster. Even so, what he said hurt. It still does.

 

Follow this epic tale of finding love over 50, based on a true story. The story is ongoing so the end is TBD. Follow, comment, and provide support to the main character as she finds herself in love all over again in her 50s, this time with her boss. Updates will be posted every Friday at 5:00. 

Next week: Rethinking