Saturday Morning

I am having a nice Saturday morning. I am writing and have music playing. I stop to appreciate the morning then wonder what is he doing? Is he thinking of me? There is a movie we both want to see. He mentioned it a few weeks ago and I didn’t recieve an invite, I never do. So it’s Friday at 5:00 and I am leaving. He stops what he is doing to say thank you. He asks about something, says there was something else but he couldn’t think what. I mention the movie. He says its playing near him I say I can metro he says he has something he has to do Saturday night but maybe Sunday. 

So. He has plans Saturday night should I be jealous? Or glad he would actually consider seeing a movie with me on a Saturday night? That would have been off limits a few months ago. I say just let me know and he says okay. He gives me that last look and I meet his eyes then pull away quickly. I am so afraid I will get stuck there and he will see into my heart. But I think he has already done that. 

His girlfriend on my phone?

The weekend after our trip I’m at my house all alone. It’s weird being alone after weeks with him. He’s out sailing with the guys. I am going through the pictures on my phone of our travels to post and in the middle of them is a female face. It looks like a manikin. I’m wondering  how this picture of a manikin got there.  I look closer and it’s not s manikin at all. It’s a woman with overly smooth face and big hair. She’s cute and wearing lots of makeup. It looks like a selfie a woman would send to someone she likes. I freak out. I text it to him. “do u know her?” “Yes” he says. “Where did u get that?” I explain and get silence…half hour later I txt “girlfriend?” Silence…

I am now going through hell.  I’m freaking out that he is getting txts from some chick and she’s pretty. I look at the picture and it’s creepy. She’s too young I think. If he wants to date a young manikin then let him. I activate my okcupid account. I cry in the bathtub. I delete the picture of her as well as some pictures of him. I change the photo for his contact info to a closeup of his fat belly and man boobs. I cry some more. I run 4 miles each day. Still silence from him. 

It’s a three day weekend and on Monday work needs his attention so I txt him about it. Later he txts back “I’m trying, spotty connection.” And I forgive him. I’m such an idiot. Who am I to say he can’t date? If  I want to date or flirt or txt a man I sure will. 

Tuesday morning I get to work and kill him with kindness. He asks again how I got the picture. Did he think I was up to something?  I tell him. There were two pics of him and his son on my phone too. He says it is just an old friend and the picture doesn’t even look like her, he’s not sure why she sent it to him. I know why but don’t comment. 

 I still don’t know how those photos got there, gods will? Says the athiest. His phone was getting constant txts for a while but that seems to have died down.  A female called him in the airport on way down. Maybe they were flirting a bit and it has passed. Or maybe it hasn’t passed. He tends to keep things from me that would upset me. I am so sick of this roller coaster ride but I can’t get off. The truth is, I don’t want to get off. 

A sign from above to an athiest. 

If I was religious I would have to think we were being pushed on each other from above. First he comes into my life, exactly what I need when I am at rock bottom.  little by little he makes things right, at work and personally. Second, he’s divorced. Third, we work closely together. 

 But that didn’t work so now we share an office together, all alone, just the two of us. We share a kitchen and pick out furniture, just the two of us. What next? A week on a small island in the carribean? Oh yeah, that actually happened. 

Surely we won’t be alone there, that never happens. It’s a 1/2 acre research station filled with researchers. If we somehow ended up there alone, that would be a sign, I thought as I packed my gear, god’s will. 

Guess what? After the first night we were there everyone went to the mainland and left us alone for a night. They had to give a talk to the local community. So there we were, alone on an island. We spent the evening on the balcony overlooking the reef. There was a nice breeze and the moon rose beautifully over the water. He had a beer, I had a ginger ale. I did not trust myself. I was terrified. We talked and we didn’t. We just enjoyed the breeze and the company. Then I went to bed early.  Did I say terrified? I want this man like there is no tomorrow. 

At 4:00 am I woke him up. I saw something off the outhouse pier that I couldn’t explain. He got up and saw it too. He likes to solve problems so he had fun figuring it out. Then I got scared again and mumbled something about going to bed. He said there are only 2 reasons he gets up this time of night. I mumbled something again and went back to bed. The next morning he explained that he thought his comment sounded wrong and thought about coming to my room to explain. OMG I would have I don’t even know what if he had come to my room. Bathroom and fishing are the two reasons he gets up at that time. That’s what he wanted to explain. Adorable dork. Fishing. Really?