Back to Panama

Two and a half years later, we are going back to panama tomorrow. Panama. Where I first got to know him. Where we shared desserts every night. Where we first worked side by side. Where he first turned my head. That panama. Where do we stand? I don’t still know!  All I know is this.

  1. I still love him
  2. he still enjoys my company and I his
  3. we still have long talks
  4. he has “a girl he talks to”
  5. he compares her to me
  6. he says she is “a mess”
  7. he has no idea if I am dating
  8. We laugh together a lot
  9. we act like a couple when we are together
  10. i miss him when we are apart

Recent moments include:

  • teaching a class together where he demonstrates a skill by holding me from behind and his body touches mine and feels like magic
  • doing dishes together side by side me washing, him rinsing – so domestic
  • him introducing us as a team and calling us the yin and the yang

Sprinkle in between these moments my usual rage resulting in breaking up with a man I have no commitment with. How long can this go on?  What will happen in panama? A lot of work, that is for sure, but I am staying an extra day to relax and recover, will he stay too?  I will let you know in my next post

 

 

Deep Talk

Its Friday at 5:ish and I end up in his office.  He wants to ask me something and is clearly not sure how to start. He has a friend who is very religious and married a man who is into porn. By what he said I know who he is talking about and don’t think he is interrested in dating her, but she is an old friend so he cares.  He can’t reconcile She knowingly married a man like that and still seems okay with it.  She is still married and has no intention of leaving.  He is asking me because my husband had the same problem. I didn’t realize he had such a problem when I married him and when I finally came to the conclusion things would never change, I left. I explained many things to him that night about what I went through and why it took me so long to leave. We talked about sex and what it means to us and what we want in our next relationship. I’ve never seen him sit and listen to me quite like that before.  It turned into an explanation of why I put up with it so long and what my values are.  I referenced a relevant book of his that he had shared with me.  He said that he sent it to her. So that means this was not some recent conversation with his friend.  Why was he asking me about it now?  Why was this conversation about my expectations for love and relationships and marriage and sex? Is that what he wanted to know?  Was he judging me and wanting to understand why I put up with it so long?  Again, like so many things with him, I don’t know. I do know it was a beautiful conversation.  Face to face, looking into each other’s eyes, for hours, sharing what we think is important about relationships. OMG, what next with this guy?

10 Stages of Loving Your Boss

1. You don’t. Your terrified. You resent the control he has over you and you which he wasn’t there. 
2. He makes you laugh and seems genuine. What color are his eyes? You don’t know because you have been afraid to look. 

3. You both have a lot of questions and are in each other’s office, a lot. He is new so it seems reasonable but did he really need to ask you that or did he just want to visit? His eyes are blue. 

4. Stop thinking about him. I’m mean it. Stop. Okay stop now. Can’t stop thinking about him. 

5. This will pass. It’s because he is new. Give it time and the day will come when you wonder what the hell you were thinking. 

6. It’s not going away so what exactly is the attraction? You make a list of likes and don’t likes and the like list is huge. 

7. Jealously kicks in. What is he doing over the weekend? Who is that calling him or texting him. You start to imagine the worst and it makes you cry. 

8. Acceptance that this is love. Years have gone by and it’s not going away, in fact it’s stronger. That list of likes doesn’t shrink, it grows, and the dislikes get smaller. 

9. Acceptance that there is nothing you can do about it that doesn’t turn into you losing your job. This equals sadness. 

10. ? I don’t know. I am stuck at 9.  

Jealousy

I’m at the gym running on the treadmill. I am training for a triathlon so I have to run for 36 minutes. I have my tunes on high and I am lost in my music and thoughts. A sad song comes on and I think of him without me. With someone else. This makes me so sad I start to loose my breath. It’s emotional asthma. I stop it from happening by changing my thoughts or I would have to stop running to catch my breath.  I calm down and a happier song comes on. I rock out the rest of the run. When I am done I turn around and he is on the machine right behind me. How long was he there?  Did I almost come unglued right in front of him?  I get so horribly sad at just the thought of us not ending up together and I am ridiculously jealous over the smallest things. I think I know why. 

At this point we are so close. We are like a married couple who don’t live together. We cohabitate at work. We share a kitchen, we share our thoughts feelings, talk about our kids our Families . We don’t manage a household but we do manage an office and a complex program together instead, just the two of us, we are a team.  When two people this attracted to each other get this close, the relationship progresses into something more. They become intimate. They make a commitment to each other. We have the closeness, the togetherness, the progression, without the intimacy or commitment.  This kind of closeness is so risky without that commitment. It feels like my husband could walk out on me at any moment. He could show up with another wife and I would have to smile and introduce myself. It would be horrible. That’s why I panic and think the worst and have emotional asthma. I am preparing myself for what really could happen. I have nothing from him that says it won’t. 

Deeper and deeper

We travel together to a trade show. The same one we went to a year ago. We laugh about many things, including old times. It’s nice to have old times with him. We arrive early to the hotel and go for food late in the afternoon. It’s happy hour in fact. Unlike him, we partake in food and drink. He has two martinis and I have two mohitos. I show him the pictures from our last trip that I posted on Facebook. He hasn’t friended me. He doesn’t use Fb much. So I pull them up on my phone with my account. Once he gets through the trip pictures he keeps on going. Who is this? Where is that? Is this your mom? Etc…  He goes through my entire life sitting there at the bar. 

For the rest of the show we connect constantly. Hanging out together, acting like a couple. He points out a bowl of resses cups, knowing they are my favorite. I grab two and hand him one, knowing he wants one too. We are a couple. He leaves early and txts me goodbye from the airport. We stay in slow txting contact while we are apart. Something fun happens to me at my moms and I txt him a picture. He has good luck (a rare event for him) and txts me about it. We are a couple, except we are not. 

Back at work today he tries to be all business but that doesn’t last long. He comes into my office and sits down and doesn’t remember why he came in. We distract each other. 

I ride home with him to pick up my car. We talk about very personal things. We stop for pizza. We go to his home and I have to remember it’s time to leave. So I grab my stuff and go. 

Its a strange thing to be so close to someone then suddenly not. To feel a deeper and deeper connection. To share personal feelings about everyone but each other. It’s a very strange thing. 

Roller coaster of love

He took me with him to see a house he wanted to buy. We looked at it together. He clearly intends to live alone. It’s small. It’s all he needs since it’s just him he says. There is a lighted corner in a room downstairs. He says a nice chair and you can have a perfect reading nook. He catches himself and says “or me, but I’d have to take up reading.”

Back at the office he is showing me pictures on his phone of the outside of the house that he took the night before. As I scroll back to the beginning I go one too far and there she is. I immediately go forward again. He is watching me look at the pictures but I realize he can’t see what I am looking at, so I go back again. She is very pretty. I go one further back and it is a picture of him. They are exchanging pictures, this “old friend”.  She is the one who called him at the airport. Her picture came up when she called so they talk often enough he has a picture assigned to her. He said to her in the airport “I have it buried here in my bag” so she gave him something to travel with. She texted him a picture of herself while we were away. And did it again just the other day. She sounds high maintenance to me. I’m sick about it and try not to dwell on it. He doesn’t treat me any differently. We still act like a couple most of the time.  We still talk about personal things. We seem closer than ever. Yet we can’t offer each other anything at all. I am in complete despair over this entire situation. 

Do I try to date? He clearly is. Where will that lead us? Away from each other. Do I not try to date and be the patient one who is still here when the time comes? Whenever that might be and if that might be. If that never happens, I will have wasted a lot of time. Does dating means giving up on us? I am lost and confused.  

A sign from above to an athiest. 

If I was religious I would have to think we were being pushed on each other from above. First he comes into my life, exactly what I need when I am at rock bottom.  little by little he makes things right, at work and personally. Second, he’s divorced. Third, we work closely together. 

 But that didn’t work so now we share an office together, all alone, just the two of us. We share a kitchen and pick out furniture, just the two of us. What next? A week on a small island in the carribean? Oh yeah, that actually happened. 

Surely we won’t be alone there, that never happens. It’s a 1/2 acre research station filled with researchers. If we somehow ended up there alone, that would be a sign, I thought as I packed my gear, god’s will. 

Guess what? After the first night we were there everyone went to the mainland and left us alone for a night. They had to give a talk to the local community. So there we were, alone on an island. We spent the evening on the balcony overlooking the reef. There was a nice breeze and the moon rose beautifully over the water. He had a beer, I had a ginger ale. I did not trust myself. I was terrified. We talked and we didn’t. We just enjoyed the breeze and the company. Then I went to bed early.  Did I say terrified? I want this man like there is no tomorrow. 

At 4:00 am I woke him up. I saw something off the outhouse pier that I couldn’t explain. He got up and saw it too. He likes to solve problems so he had fun figuring it out. Then I got scared again and mumbled something about going to bed. He said there are only 2 reasons he gets up this time of night. I mumbled something again and went back to bed. The next morning he explained that he thought his comment sounded wrong and thought about coming to my room to explain. OMG I would have I don’t even know what if he had come to my room. Bathroom and fishing are the two reasons he gets up at that time. That’s what he wanted to explain. Adorable dork. Fishing. Really?

Norm goes on and on and on…

It is now one year since Alaska and we are heading back to the same meeting.  I reflect over the year with an ache that won’t go away.  Jealously has consumed me ridiculously and still does. I think it is because I don’t have any reassurance on how he feels or what he plans.  We don’t talk about it.  His attempt to back up the relationship failed and we are much closer now than we were then.  Highlights over the year include meeting his sons over the holidays, going to pick up my laptop at his house wearing a dress and seeing that loving look on his adoring face. Seeing the way he consumed my face after being away for 10 days, it was a look of love. He missed me. That is the look I will see when he first kisses me, one million years from now.

I feel like we are stuck.  He is my supervisor so he can’t even say how he feels.  Might all of this exist only in my head? I don’t think so but that is a possibility. How long will this go on?  I can see working for him for three more years.  Will we last that long?  I see no way out.  My therapist says I should try dating.  I have no interest in doing this so I am not going to try.  He does not seem to be dating either.  If he did, my heart would be ripped apart.  He reassures me when something comes up that smacks at all of another woman, by telling about whatever it was and adding in the information I need to know.  What is he thinking?  Some days he talks to me about very personal things, like his insecurities, his problems with his family.  Other days he’s all business or downright aggressive. This comes when he feels he is not getting enough done at work and blames it partially on me, I think.  He is religious so I can see him putting our fate in the hands of God. I don’t have that faith.  Faith might carry him through but it won’t help me.   At this point I feel like it is going to go on like this until one of us quits, which is years from now.  Every day is unbearable, every weekend is a heart ached.  How can I last that long?  Advice anyone?

Follow this epic tale of finding love over 50, based on a true story. The story is ongoing so the end is TBD. Follow, comment, and provide support to the main character as she finds herself in love all over again in her 50s, this time with her boss. Updates will be posted every Friday at 5:00. 

Next week: Who knows? Anything could happen.

Watching yoga

We were running a training course in Florida at a research station.  It was late, like 9:00, but I wanted to do yoga before bed. He had brought his matt on the trip so I asked if he wanted to join me and he said no.  I went out to the pier, put on my headphones and strategically placed my matt in view of the deck where we were staying, then forgot about anything but yoga, my music, and the moon that was out.  It was a beautiful night.  I stretched and danced and did push ups and basically had a very good session.  As I rolled up my matt I saw him out of the corner of my eyes on the deck standing up into the doorway.  It was about 10:00 now and I was surprised he was coming outside that late, maybe something was wrong.  When I went to the deck, he wasn’t there.  That is when I replayed the vision I had of him in my mind.  He wasn’t coming out, he was going in. He had been watching me do yoga and when I rolled up my matt, he snuck back inside.  The next morning I commented on how he had missed such a good yoga session and he said, “no I didn’t, I was sound asleep and not missing it at all.” the liar…weeks later he was having back trouble and his doctor prescribed yoga so he asked me about some moves that he saw me do in Florida “or somewhere” as he tried to cover it up. He is a giant, adorable lousy liar.

Follow this epic tale of finding love over 50, based on a true story. The story is ongoing so the end is TBD. Follow, comment, and provide support to the main character as she finds herself in love all over again in her 50s, this time with her boss. Updates will be posted every Friday at 5:00. 

Next week: Not there when I needed him.

My Birthday and a non date

It was a Friday at 5:00 and he said he wanted to see a movie. He didn’t ask me to join him, btw, but said he was thinking about going to a movie, many times.  So I invited myself and he agreed.  He said he was going to get dinner first, so if I was going for a run, I could meet him at the movie.  There was no time to run so I said would join him for dinner at Quiznos.  Fine, he said, Lets get the tickets first. We walked to the theater and the movie we wanted to see was not playing there. Now we were stuck.  Well, he said.  I said we could see it another time.  I wanted to take you to the movie for your birthday, he said, you had a rough day and I wanted to cheer you up.  Oh, I said. Hmmm. I guess that’s it, he said and looked at me with this worried look, like I should do something. What a dork! I waiting for him to take the lead, this was his idea, but he failed.  Finally, after standing there for I don’t know how long, I said we could still get dinner.  Okay, he said, where? So we stood there for I dont l know how long figuring out where to go for dinner. Finally we decided and ended up having a very nice dinner of pizza and beer.  Whew!  Why was that was so difficult? He seemed very uncomfortable until I got a beer in him.  It was like he wanted to do this but didn’t know how.  That was our one and only non date.  Doing that now doesn’t even seem like an option.  I don’t understand why.

Follow this epic tale of finding love over 50, based on a true story. The story is ongoing so the end is TBD. Follow, comment, and provide support to the main character as she finds herself in love all over again in her 50s, this time with her boss. Updates will be posted every Friday at 5:00. 

Next week: Watching Yoga