I am starting to wonder at my obsession. He does not answer texts like he should. He does not respond to emails like he should. I don’t think its just me, he is not real responsive to others. But then again, he sure was responsive to her for a while. Do I want to live his life? That is what I think it would be like. I can’t see him retiring in Maine. He would want to move to Washington and live near his best friend. Is that what I want? To live the way he wants to or the way I want? Is there a middle ground and if there is, would he be willing to go there? I’m not so sure. I do love him but honestly, he is difficult. I would be good for him, but would he be good for me?
Does he worry I am pulling away since he said no? Because I am. I have tried to keep a safe physical distance from him ever since. That look he gave me in Panama haunts me. It was a sad ‘I wish things were different’ kind of look. I looked away. I can’t handle it. I don’t want him to see how I feel. He got in the infinity pool with me until we were both freezing. That is not something he should do if he really meant “no”. But no means no and that is all I have from him so that is what I have to plan for. Moving on alone at some point. Perhaps the sooner the better.
I haven’t posted in a while because it has all been too exhausting. The roller coaster ride gets steeper and steeper. Once we were back from panama the usual routine kicked in with the exception that He was focused on his departure. He had been planning for two years to sail across the Atlantic with a friend. They have been working on the boat every weekend and now that time had come. He gets irritated before traveling and this was extreme travel. He would be gone for 6 weeks. My vacation starts a few days after he gets back. At work my leave begins on the day he returns. So total time apart 2 months. But he’s busy getting ready so I stear clear. Even so he’s ends up in my office when I’m staying out of his. This preparation for departure is the builds up for the emotional ride I shall share with you.
Up – Departure day, he’s constantly connecting with me in every way he can. He offers me his parking pass even though I live a 10 minute bike ride away. He wants me to water his plants so he hides a key outside his house. We walk to his car together. I am barely holding on, trying not to come unglued all day and now it is time to say goodbye. We get to his car then he walks me to the elevators and we talk some more. We run out of things to say so he waves goodbye. It’s a wave like you would see a boy give from the summer camp bus to the neighborhood girl he is leaving behind. The trip sounded great years ago but now he is dreading it. I turn and leave and make it home somehow before I start to cry. How am I going to make it through the next two Months without him?
Down – my birthday, it was a few days after he left. He was at his sons graduation on the west coast first, then flew to Bermuda to catch up with the boat. So he didn’t set sail for about 5 days after I last saw him. No text on my birthday and no text when he departed. Nothing. He forgot my birthday and didn’t say a final goodbye. I’m done with him now.
Up – the huricanne, there is a tracking system and I could watch a little red dot move across the Atlantic Ocean. There was also a blog that the captain was posting to every few days. About two weeks into the trip he posted about a horrible night. 5 meter swells and crack the whip all night long. Then I notice the little red dot stopped moving. Day 2 no post and not moving. Day 3 still not moving and no post from the captain. I am now think in the worst. I find a wind map and it looks like there is a hurricane. He’s dead. The ship sunk. I’m terrified. I’ve never had someone I care about in such danger and I’m am unable to sleep. Day 4 I post to the blog for someone to please explain. Turns out it’s a technical glitch and they are battling the weather but doing fine.
Down – 4 weeks into the trip they make land in the Azores. I see he’s online because he sends a work email. And it’s bad one. He demeans what I’ve done and says to wait until he returns so we get it right. And to make it worse he sent it to the entire board. Ugh. I’m sure he’s exhausted and didn’t mean to say it that way but I’m steaming mad. And still nothing from him to me only.
Up – before they leave Azores he texts me a hello. It’s late there so I don’t hear back from my reply so I text again in the morning and we txt back and forth and he sends me a few pictures of her volcanoes he is sailing past. Awesomeness!
Down – I hear from him again when he is in Portugal but only because he needs me. He lost his phone then found it again. So he’s now on land travelling with his son and I don’t hear anymore from him and am not sure when he is returning.
Up – I’m at my desk missing him. It actual makes my heart physically hurt and I am noticing the very real pain when I get a text from him asking when my departure is. How is that possible. Is that quantum entanglement? Does he feel my heart ache? He tells me when he is arriving and wants to catch up before I depart. This will mean over the weekend and my family is in town but I am fine with catching up with him anytime.
Down – Dont know but I am darn sure it’s coming.