He returns at 1:00 tomorrow from the Antarctic. He will go straight home and sleep, having been traveling for two days. I leave the next morning to my Moms for Thanksgiving and won’t see him for another week. Does he miss me like he did when he crossed the Atlantic? We were so close when he left, confiding in me his fears and all. But it has been three weeks since then and now I don’t know how he feels anymore. His emails have been personal but professional. One more week apart, then we are both back for a week, then he is talking about going to a meeting in CA, so gone for another week, then back for a week, then Christmas break all the way to Jan 5, two more weeks apart. How is this any different than if I moved to HI?
I talk about him like he’s my boyfriend but he’s not. Somehow I have to remember that. How will this Christmas turn out? Last year he told me he only thinks of me at work. The year before that he said hugs were against the rules. What will it be this time? Yet, he brought out the beers after he ditched me. He gives me that look in Panama and I look away. He said it would suck if I left. He didn’t want to stop me from doing something I would love so he won’t fight about it, like we are couple and can get in a fight? He is a giant 250 pound hunk of confusion. I am wishing he would come into work tomorrow from the flight but I know that won’t happen. He has his gear he needs to take home and dry out and he will be exhausted. I’m just wishing and will be disappointed like an idiot. Setting myself up for let downs as always. This will never end…
I’ll share with you a story I shared with him.
While he was sailing across the Atlantic In a hurricane, he let me park my car at his house and he wanted me to water his plants whenever I went out there. I left my car there when I visited my daughter. Once I was back I needed to get my car so I decided to ride my bike to his house. It is 14 miles so no big deal. NOT! So many hills! And it was so hot out I was drenched and felt sick from heat when I finally got there.
I went inside and helped myself to a coke in his fridge. I wanted to fix his bed for him. He is still sleeping on a blow up bed and it popped the night he left. So I blew up the flat bed, then watered his plants while guzzling a second coke. I went back up stairs and tried to find the leak. I felt around the perimeter. No leak. I felt over the top and still no leak. I decided to listen for it. I layed down with my ear to the mattress and fell asleep. Maybe a 1/2 hour or more I woke up, freaked out at what I was doing there but had two cokes in me and had to pee. He has a yellow guest bathroom that I like so I went to use it but the door was closed. So into his bathroom I went. I peed and then the toilet paper holder fell apart onto the floor. And then the toilet wouldn’t flush. OMG I am freaking out by now and ran out of there before I broke something else.
So I tell him this story, not sure what reaction I would get. he laughed out loud and called me goldilocks. He refers to how I slept in his bed regularly now.
Today is Friday and we spent the day together like we normally do now. We went to the gym. When I left he stopped and we said the usual have a good weekend. He paused and looked me in the eyes like he used to do and I swear it went straight into my heart. I couldn’t stay there or he would see my pain. So I looked away and left. Oh how I love papa bear.