Rain

Its pouring outside. I always think of him when it rains. I think of Alaska. I think of him at the foot of my bed, leaning on my bed, talking for hours while the rain poured.  Its been 4 years since I fell in love with this man. It has been difficult, painful, and beautiful. I feel this stage of our friendship is coming to a close. I don’t know if the new stage will be the end or a new beginning, but change is coming.

Recent ups and downs consist of him saying it will suck if I leave, to me telling him I don’t want to leave him, to him telling me of a joke he would like to play on his son for his birthday, a voice dub on him playing his ukulele and singing happy birthday he did for someone and changing the name to his sons. That’s what he does for his ‘not girlfriends’ and he sends me a text. Ouch. I am hurt by this and I think he sees it in my face. He texts me at night about his sons successful job interview. We talk for hours at work. He says one afternoon, ‘well here we are’ as I look out the window. I have no idea where he is going with this so I say ‘and time is flying past us so fast’ and he agrees. I am on my way to the bathroom and end up sitting in his office. I finally say, ‘how did I end up in your chair, I was on my way to the bathroom?’ he says, ‘because you always do’.

Tomorrow is the last day I will see him for a month. He leaves for the antarctic. The  day he comes back I will be flying to my moms for Thanksgiving. I have been helping him get ready for this trip. He is worried about doing the dives and has told me his fears. I appreciate his comfort level in telling me so. One memorable moment in Alpena we were riding the boat back from some dives. We had spent most of the time chatting with others but towards the end I was sitting on the cooler on the back of the boat, watching were we had been. He sat next to me. There we sat, side by side, sharing a cooler, talking about things. He said then he was not looking forward to the dives in the Antarctic, my response was a sympathetic, ‘I know’.  We do dishes side by side at the office, same sort of talk. Him speaking about his concerns, me listening and being sympathetic and understanding.  Tomorrow I have to say goodbye for a month. Its not exactly like he is sailing across the Atlantic. It is not for six weeks. But I am going to miss him just as much so it will feel like exactly that.

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Holidays are here

I think about this time last year and how far we have come. How far I have come. Last year I was lost as to how our relationship would go. We were still recovering from our Alaska event and not sure how to feel. I was terrified we had ruined everything and he was still pushing back. Last year I had decided to get a divorce but my family didn’t know. 

Now I am living on my own and happy. I am closer to him than ever before.  We are comfortable together. He tells me things and I tell him things that we don’t tell others. We know each other’s flaws and laugh about them, or cry. Either way, it’s okay.  I feel he loves me and it feels deeper than any love I have experienced before. Wether we end up together or not, he loves me. And I love him.  

Today he gave me personal advice about how I need to move on, to let go, to rid myself of personal bias based on the past. Then he said I see it in you because it is something  I do myself. It was a very kind and thoughtful conversation. I don’t know how to explain how beautiful it was that we can talk about things like that. He makes things right for me, even when he is telling me I’m doing something wrong. Sigh. 

So in getting through this year’s holidays, I would like to get a Christmas hug before we part for Christmas.  How do accomplish this? Just ask if it’s okay? Do I have the nerve to do that? And if I get a hug will I melt in his gigantic manly arms or panic? Gosh I really don’t know. I’ll keep you posted…