I’m an emotional roller coaster

I go from happy as can be to hopelessly depressed. I love him I am done with him. I know exactly what I am doing to what am I doing? All in one weekend. I don’t hear from him at all until the end of the weekend. We had talked about seeing a movie on Sunday because he had plans on Saturday night. It must be something because he usually tells me what he is doing and he didn’t. So I’m thinking whoever it is I hope she has rotten teeth and bad breath. I try not to think about it. I work on my novel. I’m done with him by Sunday afternoon. I convince myself he forgot about our plans.  His date was a success and he hasn’t thought of anyone but her since. 

Then I get a very positive email from my favorite crit club friend about my novel just when I am wondering why I am even writing. I start to make mushroom soup convinced it will be amazing and I won’t bring any in on Monday for him. 

Then he texts me. He just got in from yard work. We could still make the movie but it might be too late. My pen pal writes me an email while I am texting him so now I have two men thinking of me at once. My boss says he reread the book the movie was made from over the weekend. So he must not have been too busy with his “Saturday night commitment” and he sure didn’t forget about our plans if he spent the weekend getting ready for it. And we are going to see the movie this week. After work or on a snow day if we get one. 

Back to being happy again. I tell him I am bringing in soup. I email my penpal and my quill friend. My daughter txts me and my mom calls. I’m doing fine. 

I would be perfectly happy if I knew he felt the same about me. I spiral down because I don’t know that at all. I’m sure he struggles with it but that means he would welcome another option. He too would have to get to know someone for years before he would make a commitment. But he would try if someone came along that interested him. That’s what scares me. Would I do the same? I have my penpal in my back pocket. The difference is I am keeping him there. I don’t think my boss would do that. He would keep it from me and go forward with someone if he found a possibility. My only real hope is that he realizes we are uniquely compatible and we won’t find someone else that we can get along with and enjoy like this. We are going on our 4th year in this reverse marriage and we choose to stay late and talk and have lunch and see movies and do dishes together. Even so, he might completely blow it looking for someone else because we don’t know how long we will be working together. If we ever do get to be more, it will be wow. The wait seems agonizing but I don’t think I will go through one day when I won’t appreciate being with him, if we ever do get it together. 

Saturday Morning

I am having a nice Saturday morning. I am writing and have music playing. I stop to appreciate the morning then wonder what is he doing? Is he thinking of me? There is a movie we both want to see. He mentioned it a few weeks ago and I didn’t recieve an invite, I never do. So it’s Friday at 5:00 and I am leaving. He stops what he is doing to say thank you. He asks about something, says there was something else but he couldn’t think what. I mention the movie. He says its playing near him I say I can metro he says he has something he has to do Saturday night but maybe Sunday. 

So. He has plans Saturday night should I be jealous? Or glad he would actually consider seeing a movie with me on a Saturday night? That would have been off limits a few months ago. I say just let me know and he says okay. He gives me that last look and I meet his eyes then pull away quickly. I am so afraid I will get stuck there and he will see into my heart. But I think he has already done that. 

His girlfriend on my phone?

The weekend after our trip I’m at my house all alone. It’s weird being alone after weeks with him. He’s out sailing with the guys. I am going through the pictures on my phone of our travels to post and in the middle of them is a female face. It looks like a manikin. I’m wondering  how this picture of a manikin got there.  I look closer and it’s not s manikin at all. It’s a woman with overly smooth face and big hair. She’s cute and wearing lots of makeup. It looks like a selfie a woman would send to someone she likes. I freak out. I text it to him. “do u know her?” “Yes” he says. “Where did u get that?” I explain and get silence…half hour later I txt “girlfriend?” Silence…

I am now going through hell.  I’m freaking out that he is getting txts from some chick and she’s pretty. I look at the picture and it’s creepy. She’s too young I think. If he wants to date a young manikin then let him. I activate my okcupid account. I cry in the bathtub. I delete the picture of her as well as some pictures of him. I change the photo for his contact info to a closeup of his fat belly and man boobs. I cry some more. I run 4 miles each day. Still silence from him. 

It’s a three day weekend and on Monday work needs his attention so I txt him about it. Later he txts back “I’m trying, spotty connection.” And I forgive him. I’m such an idiot. Who am I to say he can’t date? If  I want to date or flirt or txt a man I sure will. 

Tuesday morning I get to work and kill him with kindness. He asks again how I got the picture. Did he think I was up to something?  I tell him. There were two pics of him and his son on my phone too. He says it is just an old friend and the picture doesn’t even look like her, he’s not sure why she sent it to him. I know why but don’t comment. 

 I still don’t know how those photos got there, gods will? Says the athiest. His phone was getting constant txts for a while but that seems to have died down.  A female called him in the airport on way down. Maybe they were flirting a bit and it has passed. Or maybe it hasn’t passed. He tends to keep things from me that would upset me. I am so sick of this roller coaster ride but I can’t get off. The truth is, I don’t want to get off.