I go from happy as can be to hopelessly depressed. I love him I am done with him. I know exactly what I am doing to what am I doing? All in one weekend. I don’t hear from him at all until the end of the weekend. We had talked about seeing a movie on Sunday because he had plans on Saturday night. It must be something because he usually tells me what he is doing and he didn’t. So I’m thinking whoever it is I hope she has rotten teeth and bad breath. I try not to think about it. I work on my novel. I’m done with him by Sunday afternoon. I convince myself he forgot about our plans. His date was a success and he hasn’t thought of anyone but her since.
Then I get a very positive email from my favorite crit club friend about my novel just when I am wondering why I am even writing. I start to make mushroom soup convinced it will be amazing and I won’t bring any in on Monday for him.
Then he texts me. He just got in from yard work. We could still make the movie but it might be too late. My pen pal writes me an email while I am texting him so now I have two men thinking of me at once. My boss says he reread the book the movie was made from over the weekend. So he must not have been too busy with his “Saturday night commitment” and he sure didn’t forget about our plans if he spent the weekend getting ready for it. And we are going to see the movie this week. After work or on a snow day if we get one.
Back to being happy again. I tell him I am bringing in soup. I email my penpal and my quill friend. My daughter txts me and my mom calls. I’m doing fine.
I would be perfectly happy if I knew he felt the same about me. I spiral down because I don’t know that at all. I’m sure he struggles with it but that means he would welcome another option. He too would have to get to know someone for years before he would make a commitment. But he would try if someone came along that interested him. That’s what scares me. Would I do the same? I have my penpal in my back pocket. The difference is I am keeping him there. I don’t think my boss would do that. He would keep it from me and go forward with someone if he found a possibility. My only real hope is that he realizes we are uniquely compatible and we won’t find someone else that we can get along with and enjoy like this. We are going on our 4th year in this reverse marriage and we choose to stay late and talk and have lunch and see movies and do dishes together. Even so, he might completely blow it looking for someone else because we don’t know how long we will be working together. If we ever do get to be more, it will be wow. The wait seems agonizing but I don’t think I will go through one day when I won’t appreciate being with him, if we ever do get it together.
Panama was wonderful until it wasn’t. The course went well. The facilities were great. The diving was fine. The students mostly did okay. We laughed. He flirted. He grabbed my fins. We joked. Etc…
The last night we were there we were back in the city and it was just the two of us. I was feeling great. We were done and everything went well. It was the first time we had held the course there so a lot could have gone wrong, but it didn’t. I felt like celebrating. I texted him about dinner he said yes and now. I met him in the lobby and he wanted to just eat in the lobby restaurant. It’s a TGIFridays. We are in panama. We are at our old haunts where we first got to know each other and went out to dinner every night and shared desserts and he wants to eat at TGIFridays? I suggest we go to an area and find dinner instead and he agrees. We find a place he remembers and sit down. I’m in a black sundress and he’s an ice cube. I try to get the conversation going and he lightens up only to shut down again. We toast to our success. We walk around a bit. I ask if everything is okay. He says he supposes so. My response sucks. We catch a cab and go back to the hotel. I walk to his room to pick up some fins and am in his doorway. He hands me the fins and says thanks for your help. Good job. I say good night. Ice cube. Popsicle. Idiot.
I had the entire next day to myself. I went on a few runs, walked around alone, and cried a lot.
1. You don’t. Your terrified. You resent the control he has over you and you which he wasn’t there.
2. He makes you laugh and seems genuine. What color are his eyes? You don’t know because you have been afraid to look.
3. You both have a lot of questions and are in each other’s office, a lot. He is new so it seems reasonable but did he really need to ask you that or did he just want to visit? His eyes are blue.
4. Stop thinking about him. I’m mean it. Stop. Okay stop now. Can’t stop thinking about him.
5. This will pass. It’s because he is new. Give it time and the day will come when you wonder what the hell you were thinking.
6. It’s not going away so what exactly is the attraction? You make a list of likes and don’t likes and the like list is huge.
7. Jealously kicks in. What is he doing over the weekend? Who is that calling him or texting him. You start to imagine the worst and it makes you cry.
8. Acceptance that this is love. Years have gone by and it’s not going away, in fact it’s stronger. That list of likes doesn’t shrink, it grows, and the dislikes get smaller.
9. Acceptance that there is nothing you can do about it that doesn’t turn into you losing your job. This equals sadness.
10. ? I don’t know. I am stuck at 9.
I’m at the gym running on the treadmill. I am training for a triathlon so I have to run for 36 minutes. I have my tunes on high and I am lost in my music and thoughts. A sad song comes on and I think of him without me. With someone else. This makes me so sad I start to loose my breath. It’s emotional asthma. I stop it from happening by changing my thoughts or I would have to stop running to catch my breath. I calm down and a happier song comes on. I rock out the rest of the run. When I am done I turn around and he is on the machine right behind me. How long was he there? Did I almost come unglued right in front of him? I get so horribly sad at just the thought of us not ending up together and I am ridiculously jealous over the smallest things. I think I know why.
At this point we are so close. We are like a married couple who don’t live together. We cohabitate at work. We share a kitchen, we share our thoughts feelings, talk about our kids our Families . We don’t manage a household but we do manage an office and a complex program together instead, just the two of us, we are a team. When two people this attracted to each other get this close, the relationship progresses into something more. They become intimate. They make a commitment to each other. We have the closeness, the togetherness, the progression, without the intimacy or commitment. This kind of closeness is so risky without that commitment. It feels like my husband could walk out on me at any moment. He could show up with another wife and I would have to smile and introduce myself. It would be horrible. That’s why I panic and think the worst and have emotional asthma. I am preparing myself for what really could happen. I have nothing from him that says it won’t.
He took me with him to see a house he wanted to buy. We looked at it together. He clearly intends to live alone. It’s small. It’s all he needs since it’s just him he says. There is a lighted corner in a room downstairs. He says a nice chair and you can have a perfect reading nook. He catches himself and says “or me, but I’d have to take up reading.”
Back at the office he is showing me pictures on his phone of the outside of the house that he took the night before. As I scroll back to the beginning I go one too far and there she is. I immediately go forward again. He is watching me look at the pictures but I realize he can’t see what I am looking at, so I go back again. She is very pretty. I go one further back and it is a picture of him. They are exchanging pictures, this “old friend”. She is the one who called him at the airport. Her picture came up when she called so they talk often enough he has a picture assigned to her. He said to her in the airport “I have it buried here in my bag” so she gave him something to travel with. She texted him a picture of herself while we were away. And did it again just the other day. She sounds high maintenance to me. I’m sick about it and try not to dwell on it. He doesn’t treat me any differently. We still act like a couple most of the time. We still talk about personal things. We seem closer than ever. Yet we can’t offer each other anything at all. I am in complete despair over this entire situation.
Do I try to date? He clearly is. Where will that lead us? Away from each other. Do I not try to date and be the patient one who is still here when the time comes? Whenever that might be and if that might be. If that never happens, I will have wasted a lot of time. Does dating means giving up on us? I am lost and confused.