2 Different Days

One day last week…

I am giving up on him. I don’t see him loving me these days. He seems to be different. Everything we went through this fall and he seems to have forgotten. He feels distant. He feels resistant. Christmas is a few weeks away and…I don’t know. He doesn’t feel connected to me. I don’t know what it is really. Maybe its just today but I’m tired of his resistance. He has worn me down to being too tired of it all. Why should I bother with him when he doesn’t seem to be affected by me?

The very next day…

He must have felt it too. He showed up the today extra cheerful and attentive. He said he thought of something that night he wanted to tell me but couldn’t remember what it was. He had an invitation to a Christmas party and invited me to join him. Instead we spent lunch together looking at his photos of Antarctica. When he screws up and I give up, he always comes back and makes it right again without me having to say anything at all. How am I going to get him out of my system when he does that?

I had many conversations this weekend with women who are giving up on men. The #metoo hashtag goes beyond harassment and assault, its become a #whybother movement. I don’t see myself ever loving a woman but can I get the love I need from a man? The reality is that my best bet to have what I need is to find a lover for sex and a dog for love.  I mean, how is what he says any different than Trump? He looks at women as sex objects, he just doesn’t act on it. He was/is either in relationships with these women and lying to me or he is leading them to  believe he is in a relationship with them when he isn’t, or both. If we ever get there, he has some explaining to do because how do I trust a man that would do that? Reality is, he is man and they are all creeps. Maybe no lover, just a dog….

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Our Friday

We have ‘the annual meeting’ coming up in one week. The one that started this whole story in Alaska. This meeting will involve drysuit dives again. We went to the pool together yesterday, just the two of us, to test our drysuits and refresh our skills. We are getting our gear together, it is hot. I change to my swimsuit and he is in his swim shorts. We gear up together, side by side, and then step outside to cool off before we zip up and seal ourselves inside our drysuits. I don’t need help but he zips me in anyways and I do the same for him. We don our dive gear and enter the pool. Its much cooler now as we descend together. Underwater we test our buoyancy skills, he shows me a few things, I do the same for him. He jokes around and makes me laugh. 30 minutes later we ascend together. We laugh about a few things and comment on others. He finds a shell from Alaska in his pocket. Sigh…we are a team. The dive is seamless. I brought swim goggles so we can do laps afterwards. The two of us pound out 30 minutes of laps in lanes next to each other.

When we are done he gets out of the water and I see him standing there, dripping wet, shirtless, and smiling. He looks like a giant boy who just received the birthday gift he always wanted. Oh to have a man who will do laps with me.  This is what I love.

He is hungry and we get lunch at my favorite place. We sit at the window and make up a scenario about the people at the table outside. We laugh a lot. On our way back we talk about many things. He comments on something he said and how his dad would have said the same thing. I ask about his dad’s sense of humor. I say how nice it is to be around his laughter.

We get to the office and talk between work. Somehow we end up talking about learning from our past. I tell him about my therapist’s take on marital baggage. I say I have so much and its a good thing to recognize it for what it is. To understand my hypersensitivity to things is to acknowledge these things matter to me. He said its also important to understand, because I am so sensitive to these things, they might not be what I think they are.  I agreed and tried to continue my point and he restated, things might not be what you think they are. Was he just talking or was he making a point?  I have no idea.

I am trying to normalize our relationship in my head but its not working.  Its Friday so I say goodbye without much ado and then leave when we are finally done for the day at 6:30.  He texts me later that night saying there is a show on TV I might want to watch. We text back and forth a bit into the night.  This type of interaction is why its all so difficult.

Just the day before I find out he has been to two summer concerts, one I would have love to have seen. He didn’t ask me to join him or even tell me about them when he went. Who is he going with? Why does he hide it or not tell me? It hurts because I don’t know. It could be innocent or he could be going with someone he doesn’t want me to know about. I have no idea. Its Saturday night. What is he doing and who is he with right now?

Should I give up on the one man I love? He is my boss so the answer is yes. But what about when he is no longer my boss? It will be too late. He will have blown my trust by then. Or are things not what I think they are?  The only thing I do know is he is making me crazy and that has to stop.

A Twist in the RomCom – Hawaii?

I am applying for a job in Hawaii and I have a shot at getting an offer. We were sitting outside on a bench having lunch. I was not sure how to approach the subject so I just told him. His immediate reaction was to try to talk me out of applying. After lunch he went right to his computer and read the job announcement. Within 10 minutes he’s saying I should consider it, if its something I would want. The next day he is talking me out of it again.  I have very mixed feelings too. I tell him I could leave my job, the institution, and not feel bad about it, but leaving him would about kill me. He blushed and said he was a pain in the ass. I agreed.

He has been super sweet ever since. He said he would be a professional reference for my application. I am doing dishes and realize his cups are not in the sick. We practically run into each other as I walk out and he walks into the kitchen. He goes to dry his hands on the dish rag hanging below the sink I am standing next to and asks if he can use my skirt. I laugh and say no!

As far as work goes, it would be a huge change, a demotion really. But less administration and more of the fun work. It would also be a pay cut, but housing costs are less in Hilo.

The offer might not come and I might not have to decide. If it did, it would be a financial choice based on the salary they are willing to pay. Personally, it would allow us to finally have a romance, 5000 miles away, but that  would  be more of a romance than  we can have now.  He loves Hawaii and I know he would consider retiring there. I think he realizes he could work for one or two more years and then join me. Alternately, he could be not thinking that at all. I have no idea. But the way he looks at me when we part ways says otherwise.

Sucked back in

We argued multiple times today over work related issues. When we were done with the disagreement, we are done.  No lingering hard feelings or anger. No consequences. Its work, he has an opinion and so do I. We express it and we are done.  This happened at least twice today. Each time we were back to our old selves when the discussion was over. Sitting outside enjoying a quick lunch together or laughing about something. At the end of the  day we do the dishes, together side by side, sometimes too close. We walk out together. I almost forget to go my separate way.  When I get home I text him what food to bring in tomorrow so I can make something for lunch. He texts back what he has and asks if its okay. I am in a reverse marriage. Yes I realize this post totally contrasts with the previous post. Welcome to my life.

Doubt is seeping in

I am starting to wonder at my obsession. He does not answer texts like he should. He does not respond to emails like he should. I don’t think its just me, he is not real responsive to others.  But then again, he sure was responsive to her for a while. Do I want to live his life? That is what I think it would be like. I can’t see him retiring in Maine. He would want to move to Washington and live near his best friend. Is that what I want? To live the way he wants to or the way I want? Is there a middle ground and if there is, would he be willing to go there? I’m not so sure. I do love him but honestly, he is difficult. I would be good for him, but would he be good for me?

Does he worry I am pulling away since he said no? Because I am. I have tried to keep a safe physical distance from him ever since. That look he gave me in Panama haunts me. It was a sad ‘I wish things were different’ kind of look. I looked away. I can’t handle it. I don’t want him to see how I feel. He got in the infinity pool with me until we were both freezing. That is not something he should do if he really meant “no”. But no means no and that is all I have from him so that is what I have to plan for. Moving on alone at some point. Perhaps the sooner the better.

 

 

Reunion #1

He’s back. It’s been 6 weeks since I have seen him.  I have my daughter with me and he is with his son. We text. He’s coming to the city to see the fireworks and invites us to join him. An actual invitation. That is a new thing. I decline because my parents will be arriving but say we will try to connect earlier. It’s raining. My daughter and I walk down to the festival. I text and call when we arrive and get no response. It is pouring rain and the festival is cancelled.  I am sitting in a tent in the rain with my daughter. I fear I will miss him completely and then I’m gone on vacation and won’t see him for 10 more days. Then He calls. His phone was silenced and he didn’t know it and missed my call. He’s across the mall. We walk towards him and I see his tall familiar shape coming my way on the rain. We meet in the middle of the mall in the middle of the rain. He’s alone so my daughter says, “your missing someone” meaning his son. Pointing at me he says, “I’m missing your Mom”. OMG I almost died right there. I walk up and say I feel like I’m seeing a ghost. He says he’s not a ghost and I go in for a hug (Hug#4 and yes I am counting). We stand in the rain, his son and my daughter meeting for the first time, chatting and laughing and catching up. What an adventure they had what a thrill to be together again. Sadly We depart. I look back for one last glance and he is just looking away froM doing the same thing. Later that day he invites me to join them for a movie. I can’t because my parents are now here.  I haven’t seen him since. We have texted a bit but that’s it. Now I’ve been away for 10 days. I will see him tomorrow at work. What will reunion #2 be like? 

And how was Panama?

Panama was wonderful until it wasn’t. The course went well. The facilities were great. The diving was fine. The students mostly did okay. We laughed. He flirted. He grabbed my fins. We joked. Etc…  

The last night we were there we were back in the city and it was just the two of us. I was feeling great. We were done and everything went well. It was the first time we had held the course there so a lot could have gone wrong, but it didn’t. I felt like celebrating.  I texted him about dinner he said yes and now. I met him in the lobby and he wanted to just eat in the lobby restaurant. It’s a TGIFridays. We are in panama. We are at our old haunts where we first got to know each other and went out to dinner every night and shared desserts and he wants to eat at TGIFridays? I suggest we go to an area and find dinner instead and he agrees. We find a place he remembers and sit down. I’m in a black sundress and he’s an ice cube. I try  to get the conversation going and he lightens up only to shut down again. We toast to our success. We walk around a bit. I ask if everything is okay. He says he supposes so. My response sucks. We catch a cab and go back to the hotel. I walk to his room to pick up some fins and am in his doorway. He hands me the fins and says thanks for your help. Good job. I say good night. Ice cube. Popsicle. Idiot. 

I had the entire next day to myself. I went on a few runs, walked around alone, and cried a lot. 

Back to Panama

Two and a half years later, we are going back to panama tomorrow. Panama. Where I first got to know him. Where we shared desserts every night. Where we first worked side by side. Where he first turned my head. That panama. Where do we stand? I don’t still know!  All I know is this.

  1. I still love him
  2. he still enjoys my company and I his
  3. we still have long talks
  4. he has “a girl he talks to”
  5. he compares her to me
  6. he says she is “a mess”
  7. he has no idea if I am dating
  8. We laugh together a lot
  9. we act like a couple when we are together
  10. i miss him when we are apart

Recent moments include:

  • teaching a class together where he demonstrates a skill by holding me from behind and his body touches mine and feels like magic
  • doing dishes together side by side me washing, him rinsing – so domestic
  • him introducing us as a team and calling us the yin and the yang

Sprinkle in between these moments my usual rage resulting in breaking up with a man I have no commitment with. How long can this go on?  What will happen in panama? A lot of work, that is for sure, but I am staying an extra day to relax and recover, will he stay too?  I will let you know in my next post

 

 

Deep Talk

Its Friday at 5:ish and I end up in his office.  He wants to ask me something and is clearly not sure how to start. He has a friend who is very religious and married a man who is into porn. By what he said I know who he is talking about and don’t think he is interrested in dating her, but she is an old friend so he cares.  He can’t reconcile She knowingly married a man like that and still seems okay with it.  She is still married and has no intention of leaving.  He is asking me because my husband had the same problem. I didn’t realize he had such a problem when I married him and when I finally came to the conclusion things would never change, I left. I explained many things to him that night about what I went through and why it took me so long to leave. We talked about sex and what it means to us and what we want in our next relationship. I’ve never seen him sit and listen to me quite like that before.  It turned into an explanation of why I put up with it so long and what my values are.  I referenced a relevant book of his that he had shared with me.  He said that he sent it to her. So that means this was not some recent conversation with his friend.  Why was he asking me about it now?  Why was this conversation about my expectations for love and relationships and marriage and sex? Is that what he wanted to know?  Was he judging me and wanting to understand why I put up with it so long?  Again, like so many things with him, I don’t know. I do know it was a beautiful conversation.  Face to face, looking into each other’s eyes, for hours, sharing what we think is important about relationships. OMG, what next with this guy?

A sign from above to an athiest. 

If I was religious I would have to think we were being pushed on each other from above. First he comes into my life, exactly what I need when I am at rock bottom.  little by little he makes things right, at work and personally. Second, he’s divorced. Third, we work closely together. 

 But that didn’t work so now we share an office together, all alone, just the two of us. We share a kitchen and pick out furniture, just the two of us. What next? A week on a small island in the carribean? Oh yeah, that actually happened. 

Surely we won’t be alone there, that never happens. It’s a 1/2 acre research station filled with researchers. If we somehow ended up there alone, that would be a sign, I thought as I packed my gear, god’s will. 

Guess what? After the first night we were there everyone went to the mainland and left us alone for a night. They had to give a talk to the local community. So there we were, alone on an island. We spent the evening on the balcony overlooking the reef. There was a nice breeze and the moon rose beautifully over the water. He had a beer, I had a ginger ale. I did not trust myself. I was terrified. We talked and we didn’t. We just enjoyed the breeze and the company. Then I went to bed early.  Did I say terrified? I want this man like there is no tomorrow. 

At 4:00 am I woke him up. I saw something off the outhouse pier that I couldn’t explain. He got up and saw it too. He likes to solve problems so he had fun figuring it out. Then I got scared again and mumbled something about going to bed. He said there are only 2 reasons he gets up this time of night. I mumbled something again and went back to bed. The next morning he explained that he thought his comment sounded wrong and thought about coming to my room to explain. OMG I would have I don’t even know what if he had come to my room. Bathroom and fishing are the two reasons he gets up at that time. That’s what he wanted to explain. Adorable dork. Fishing. Really?