Deeper and deeper

We travel together to a trade show. The same one we went to a year ago. We laugh about many things, including old times. It’s nice to have old times with him. We arrive early to the hotel and go for food late in the afternoon. It’s happy hour in fact. Unlike him, we partake in food and drink. He has two martinis and I have two mohitos. I show him the pictures from our last trip that I posted on Facebook. He hasn’t friended me. He doesn’t use Fb much. So I pull them up on my phone with my account. Once he gets through the trip pictures he keeps on going. Who is this? Where is that? Is this your mom? Etc…  He goes through my entire life sitting there at the bar. 

For the rest of the show we connect constantly. Hanging out together, acting like a couple. He points out a bowl of resses cups, knowing they are my favorite. I grab two and hand him one, knowing he wants one too. We are a couple. He leaves early and txts me goodbye from the airport. We stay in slow txting contact while we are apart. Something fun happens to me at my moms and I txt him a picture. He has good luck (a rare event for him) and txts me about it. We are a couple, except we are not. 

Back at work today he tries to be all business but that doesn’t last long. He comes into my office and sits down and doesn’t remember why he came in. We distract each other. 

I ride home with him to pick up my car. We talk about very personal things. We stop for pizza. We go to his home and I have to remember it’s time to leave. So I grab my stuff and go. 

Its a strange thing to be so close to someone then suddenly not. To feel a deeper and deeper connection. To share personal feelings about everyone but each other. It’s a very strange thing. 

Roller coaster of love

He took me with him to see a house he wanted to buy. We looked at it together. He clearly intends to live alone. It’s small. It’s all he needs since it’s just him he says. There is a lighted corner in a room downstairs. He says a nice chair and you can have a perfect reading nook. He catches himself and says “or me, but I’d have to take up reading.”

Back at the office he is showing me pictures on his phone of the outside of the house that he took the night before. As I scroll back to the beginning I go one too far and there she is. I immediately go forward again. He is watching me look at the pictures but I realize he can’t see what I am looking at, so I go back again. She is very pretty. I go one further back and it is a picture of him. They are exchanging pictures, this “old friend”.  She is the one who called him at the airport. Her picture came up when she called so they talk often enough he has a picture assigned to her. He said to her in the airport “I have it buried here in my bag” so she gave him something to travel with. She texted him a picture of herself while we were away. And did it again just the other day. She sounds high maintenance to me. I’m sick about it and try not to dwell on it. He doesn’t treat me any differently. We still act like a couple most of the time.  We still talk about personal things. We seem closer than ever. Yet we can’t offer each other anything at all. I am in complete despair over this entire situation. 

Do I try to date? He clearly is. Where will that lead us? Away from each other. Do I not try to date and be the patient one who is still here when the time comes? Whenever that might be and if that might be. If that never happens, I will have wasted a lot of time. Does dating means giving up on us? I am lost and confused.  

His girlfriend on my phone?

The weekend after our trip I’m at my house all alone. It’s weird being alone after weeks with him. He’s out sailing with the guys. I am going through the pictures on my phone of our travels to post and in the middle of them is a female face. It looks like a manikin. I’m wondering  how this picture of a manikin got there.  I look closer and it’s not s manikin at all. It’s a woman with overly smooth face and big hair. She’s cute and wearing lots of makeup. It looks like a selfie a woman would send to someone she likes. I freak out. I text it to him. “do u know her?” “Yes” he says. “Where did u get that?” I explain and get silence…half hour later I txt “girlfriend?” Silence…

I am now going through hell.  I’m freaking out that he is getting txts from some chick and she’s pretty. I look at the picture and it’s creepy. She’s too young I think. If he wants to date a young manikin then let him. I activate my okcupid account. I cry in the bathtub. I delete the picture of her as well as some pictures of him. I change the photo for his contact info to a closeup of his fat belly and man boobs. I cry some more. I run 4 miles each day. Still silence from him. 

It’s a three day weekend and on Monday work needs his attention so I txt him about it. Later he txts back “I’m trying, spotty connection.” And I forgive him. I’m such an idiot. Who am I to say he can’t date? If  I want to date or flirt or txt a man I sure will. 

Tuesday morning I get to work and kill him with kindness. He asks again how I got the picture. Did he think I was up to something?  I tell him. There were two pics of him and his son on my phone too. He says it is just an old friend and the picture doesn’t even look like her, he’s not sure why she sent it to him. I know why but don’t comment. 

 I still don’t know how those photos got there, gods will? Says the athiest. His phone was getting constant txts for a while but that seems to have died down.  A female called him in the airport on way down. Maybe they were flirting a bit and it has passed. Or maybe it hasn’t passed. He tends to keep things from me that would upset me. I am so sick of this roller coaster ride but I can’t get off. The truth is, I don’t want to get off.