Our Friday

We have ‘the annual meeting’ coming up in one week. The one that started this whole story in Alaska. This meeting will involve drysuit dives again. We went to the pool together yesterday, just the two of us, to test our drysuits and refresh our skills. We are getting our gear together, it is hot. I change to my swimsuit and he is in his swim shorts. We gear up together, side by side, and then step outside to cool off before we zip up and seal ourselves inside our drysuits. I don’t need help but he zips me in anyways and I do the same for him. We don our dive gear and enter the pool. Its much cooler now as we descend together. Underwater we test our buoyancy skills, he shows me a few things, I do the same for him. He jokes around and makes me laugh. 30 minutes later we ascend together. We laugh about a few things and comment on others. He finds a shell from Alaska in his pocket. Sigh…we are a team. The dive is seamless. I brought swim goggles so we can do laps afterwards. The two of us pound out 30 minutes of laps in lanes next to each other.

When we are done he gets out of the water and I see him standing there, dripping wet, shirtless, and smiling. He looks like a giant boy who just received the birthday gift he always wanted. Oh to have a man who will do laps with me.  This is what I love.

He is hungry and we get lunch at my favorite place. We sit at the window and make up a scenario about the people at the table outside. We laugh a lot. On our way back we talk about many things. He comments on something he said and how his dad would have said the same thing. I ask about his dad’s sense of humor. I say how nice it is to be around his laughter.

We get to the office and talk between work. Somehow we end up talking about learning from our past. I tell him about my therapist’s take on marital baggage. I say I have so much and its a good thing to recognize it for what it is. To understand my hypersensitivity to things is to acknowledge these things matter to me. He said its also important to understand, because I am so sensitive to these things, they might not be what I think they are.  I agreed and tried to continue my point and he restated, things might not be what you think they are. Was he just talking or was he making a point?  I have no idea.

I am trying to normalize our relationship in my head but its not working.  Its Friday so I say goodbye without much ado and then leave when we are finally done for the day at 6:30.  He texts me later that night saying there is a show on TV I might want to watch. We text back and forth a bit into the night.  This type of interaction is why its all so difficult.

Just the day before I find out he has been to two summer concerts, one I would have love to have seen. He didn’t ask me to join him or even tell me about them when he went. Who is he going with? Why does he hide it or not tell me? It hurts because I don’t know. It could be innocent or he could be going with someone he doesn’t want me to know about. I have no idea. Its Saturday night. What is he doing and who is he with right now?

Should I give up on the one man I love? He is my boss so the answer is yes. But what about when he is no longer my boss? It will be too late. He will have blown my trust by then. Or are things not what I think they are?  The only thing I do know is he is making me crazy and that has to stop.

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A Twist in the RomCom – Hawaii?

I am applying for a job in Hawaii and I have a shot at getting an offer. We were sitting outside on a bench having lunch. I was not sure how to approach the subject so I just told him. His immediate reaction was to try to talk me out of applying. After lunch he went right to his computer and read the job announcement. Within 10 minutes he’s saying I should consider it, if its something I would want. The next day he is talking me out of it again.  I have very mixed feelings too. I tell him I could leave my job, the institution, and not feel bad about it, but leaving him would about kill me. He blushed and said he was a pain in the ass. I agreed.

He has been super sweet ever since. He said he would be a professional reference for my application. I am doing dishes and realize his cups are not in the sick. We practically run into each other as I walk out and he walks into the kitchen. He goes to dry his hands on the dish rag hanging below the sink I am standing next to and asks if he can use my skirt. I laugh and say no!

As far as work goes, it would be a huge change, a demotion really. But less administration and more of the fun work. It would also be a pay cut, but housing costs are less in Hilo.

The offer might not come and I might not have to decide. If it did, it would be a financial choice based on the salary they are willing to pay. Personally, it would allow us to finally have a romance, 5000 miles away, but that  would  be more of a romance than  we can have now.  He loves Hawaii and I know he would consider retiring there. I think he realizes he could work for one or two more years and then join me. Alternately, he could be not thinking that at all. I have no idea. But the way he looks at me when we part ways says otherwise.

Sucked back in

We argued multiple times today over work related issues. When we were done with the disagreement, we are done.  No lingering hard feelings or anger. No consequences. Its work, he has an opinion and so do I. We express it and we are done.  This happened at least twice today. Each time we were back to our old selves when the discussion was over. Sitting outside enjoying a quick lunch together or laughing about something. At the end of the  day we do the dishes, together side by side, sometimes too close. We walk out together. I almost forget to go my separate way.  When I get home I text him what food to bring in tomorrow so I can make something for lunch. He texts back what he has and asks if its okay. I am in a reverse marriage. Yes I realize this post totally contrasts with the previous post. Welcome to my life.

Doubt is seeping in

I am starting to wonder at my obsession. He does not answer texts like he should. He does not respond to emails like he should. I don’t think its just me, he is not real responsive to others.  But then again, he sure was responsive to her for a while. Do I want to live his life? That is what I think it would be like. I can’t see him retiring in Maine. He would want to move to Washington and live near his best friend. Is that what I want? To live the way he wants to or the way I want? Is there a middle ground and if there is, would he be willing to go there? I’m not so sure. I do love him but honestly, he is difficult. I would be good for him, but would he be good for me?

Does he worry I am pulling away since he said no? Because I am. I have tried to keep a safe physical distance from him ever since. That look he gave me in Panama haunts me. It was a sad ‘I wish things were different’ kind of look. I looked away. I can’t handle it. I don’t want him to see how I feel. He got in the infinity pool with me until we were both freezing. That is not something he should do if he really meant “no”. But no means no and that is all I have from him so that is what I have to plan for. Moving on alone at some point. Perhaps the sooner the better.

 

 

Deeper and deeper

We travel together to a trade show. The same one we went to a year ago. We laugh about many things, including old times. It’s nice to have old times with him. We arrive early to the hotel and go for food late in the afternoon. It’s happy hour in fact. Unlike him, we partake in food and drink. He has two martinis and I have two mohitos. I show him the pictures from our last trip that I posted on Facebook. He hasn’t friended me. He doesn’t use Fb much. So I pull them up on my phone with my account. Once he gets through the trip pictures he keeps on going. Who is this? Where is that? Is this your mom? Etc…  He goes through my entire life sitting there at the bar. 

For the rest of the show we connect constantly. Hanging out together, acting like a couple. He points out a bowl of resses cups, knowing they are my favorite. I grab two and hand him one, knowing he wants one too. We are a couple. He leaves early and txts me goodbye from the airport. We stay in slow txting contact while we are apart. Something fun happens to me at my moms and I txt him a picture. He has good luck (a rare event for him) and txts me about it. We are a couple, except we are not. 

Back at work today he tries to be all business but that doesn’t last long. He comes into my office and sits down and doesn’t remember why he came in. We distract each other. 

I ride home with him to pick up my car. We talk about very personal things. We stop for pizza. We go to his home and I have to remember it’s time to leave. So I grab my stuff and go. 

Its a strange thing to be so close to someone then suddenly not. To feel a deeper and deeper connection. To share personal feelings about everyone but each other. It’s a very strange thing. 

Roller coaster of love

He took me with him to see a house he wanted to buy. We looked at it together. He clearly intends to live alone. It’s small. It’s all he needs since it’s just him he says. There is a lighted corner in a room downstairs. He says a nice chair and you can have a perfect reading nook. He catches himself and says “or me, but I’d have to take up reading.”

Back at the office he is showing me pictures on his phone of the outside of the house that he took the night before. As I scroll back to the beginning I go one too far and there she is. I immediately go forward again. He is watching me look at the pictures but I realize he can’t see what I am looking at, so I go back again. She is very pretty. I go one further back and it is a picture of him. They are exchanging pictures, this “old friend”.  She is the one who called him at the airport. Her picture came up when she called so they talk often enough he has a picture assigned to her. He said to her in the airport “I have it buried here in my bag” so she gave him something to travel with. She texted him a picture of herself while we were away. And did it again just the other day. She sounds high maintenance to me. I’m sick about it and try not to dwell on it. He doesn’t treat me any differently. We still act like a couple most of the time.  We still talk about personal things. We seem closer than ever. Yet we can’t offer each other anything at all. I am in complete despair over this entire situation. 

Do I try to date? He clearly is. Where will that lead us? Away from each other. Do I not try to date and be the patient one who is still here when the time comes? Whenever that might be and if that might be. If that never happens, I will have wasted a lot of time. Does dating means giving up on us? I am lost and confused.  

His girlfriend on my phone?

The weekend after our trip I’m at my house all alone. It’s weird being alone after weeks with him. He’s out sailing with the guys. I am going through the pictures on my phone of our travels to post and in the middle of them is a female face. It looks like a manikin. I’m wondering  how this picture of a manikin got there.  I look closer and it’s not s manikin at all. It’s a woman with overly smooth face and big hair. She’s cute and wearing lots of makeup. It looks like a selfie a woman would send to someone she likes. I freak out. I text it to him. “do u know her?” “Yes” he says. “Where did u get that?” I explain and get silence…half hour later I txt “girlfriend?” Silence…

I am now going through hell.  I’m freaking out that he is getting txts from some chick and she’s pretty. I look at the picture and it’s creepy. She’s too young I think. If he wants to date a young manikin then let him. I activate my okcupid account. I cry in the bathtub. I delete the picture of her as well as some pictures of him. I change the photo for his contact info to a closeup of his fat belly and man boobs. I cry some more. I run 4 miles each day. Still silence from him. 

It’s a three day weekend and on Monday work needs his attention so I txt him about it. Later he txts back “I’m trying, spotty connection.” And I forgive him. I’m such an idiot. Who am I to say he can’t date? If  I want to date or flirt or txt a man I sure will. 

Tuesday morning I get to work and kill him with kindness. He asks again how I got the picture. Did he think I was up to something?  I tell him. There were two pics of him and his son on my phone too. He says it is just an old friend and the picture doesn’t even look like her, he’s not sure why she sent it to him. I know why but don’t comment. 

 I still don’t know how those photos got there, gods will? Says the athiest. His phone was getting constant txts for a while but that seems to have died down.  A female called him in the airport on way down. Maybe they were flirting a bit and it has passed. Or maybe it hasn’t passed. He tends to keep things from me that would upset me. I am so sick of this roller coaster ride but I can’t get off. The truth is, I don’t want to get off.